I'd like to teach the world to slooooow dowwwwwwwwn (or sing), in perfect harmony! I'd like to hold it in my arms, and keep it company...
Well, it's already the end of June, and here's what I'm seeing in the kids these days.
Both of them are bouncy and active, and also like some quiet, alone time. They're gregarious and sociable, athletically competent and participative, creative and intelligent. Highly observant and good at reading others' feelings. They seem comfortable with their individuality. Not exceedingly academic or precocious. Nobody would call them "gifted" or particularly driven toward a specific activity -- an art, sport or pursuit. And yet, they are flexible, adaptable and engaging. Fun to be with and quirky -- like little furry animals with their own thing going!
My son is starting to be much more responsible for himself. He's getting dressed in the morning, getting his own breakfast, and pulling himself together for school. He puts on his own sunblock, brushes his teeth, and packs his backpack with lunchbox. We're working on getting a more appropriately-sized water bottle/thermos! Finally we've diagnosed some of what is going on in his (growing) neurology, and are going to get him some of the help he needs while also easing up on him with respect to things he can't change. I think we're going to have a much more positive family dynamic as a result of these new diagnostic insights.
My daughter continues to be a helpful, compassionate little spark of light. She is also becoming more responsible, and can get dressed and ready with the best of them. As she gets older we see that she continues to be a very social creature and thrives on being with others in all things, especially at mealtimes. She looks up to her brother and adores him -- he can't really put a foot wrong in her eyes. Most of all, she is pretty patient and inclusive with him, especially when she can compute things more quickly than he.
We are lucky the kids' temperaments mesh so well.
On the more mundane front...
- she can buckle her own seatbelt and open her own car door
- he can make scrambled eggs and bacon
- actually, she can too
- both can make waffles and pancakes, and we're working on flipping skills
- they eat salad and vinaigrette, green beans, broccoli and bokchoy
- she eats blood oranges and artichokes too!
- he eats hamburgers, carne asada and burritos
- both of them eat some fish, as well as gyoza and soba
Now that they will eat things that aren't just pizza, pasta, hotdogs and quesadillas, we can eat in many different places at last!
This is probably the most fun we've had with the kids since they were born. They bike, they are rollerblading, they swim, they ski, they eat normal food (and every fruit known to Mother Nature) and one of the reads while the other one loves to be read to! What an amazing combination of attributes, no?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Taking a Breather
It's been a rough year, to say the least. I'm proud to be stepping out of denial (for now) and gradually wading into acceptance and action. Hard to watch your child and see how they struggle and fall short among their peers. Even harder to realize that they can't help most of it -- their brain is not wired effectively. And hardest of all to accept that they may be able to overcome or compensate for some of the gap, but might never fully bridge it. Already completely loathing the label "special needs" since it's so often used as a PC way of saying unintelligent, lesser than, or (in a NIMBY way) someone to be kept away from typical kids because good heavens, we wouldn't want to disadvantage them by being around somebody different.
I can hear my tone and know it sounds sad and bitter -- it goes in cycles. I'm learning that there are people in the world who are really compassionate, supportive, and listen without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Thank god for them, and their positive beliefs. And there are those who are essentially kind and well-intended, but back away rapidly when they feel like your child isn't going to be a suitable, headed-to-an-Ivy-League-school classmate. Like any other kind of discrimination, you start to understand it best when you experience it firsthand.
Someone once told me that in the Judaic religion, they believe that certain people enter your life to teach you specific lessons -- i.e. there are no coincidences. So the sister-in-law who drives you crazy, the neighbor with whom you don't see eye-to-eye, the coworker or boss who appears to be thwarting you left and right -- they're all there for a reason. You are meant to learn by figuring out how to coexist with them in a constructive way.
I don't know if this is true, but it is certainly interesting and I find it makes these challenges easier to accept. And if so, then my son was sent to me to teach me to love, to be patient, to accept and really love people for who they are, and to look beyond the labels that I grew up believing in. Most of all, he's here to teach me to be positive while also being sincere, and to never, never, never, never give up.
I can hear my tone and know it sounds sad and bitter -- it goes in cycles. I'm learning that there are people in the world who are really compassionate, supportive, and listen without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Thank god for them, and their positive beliefs. And there are those who are essentially kind and well-intended, but back away rapidly when they feel like your child isn't going to be a suitable, headed-to-an-Ivy-League-school classmate. Like any other kind of discrimination, you start to understand it best when you experience it firsthand.
Someone once told me that in the Judaic religion, they believe that certain people enter your life to teach you specific lessons -- i.e. there are no coincidences. So the sister-in-law who drives you crazy, the neighbor with whom you don't see eye-to-eye, the coworker or boss who appears to be thwarting you left and right -- they're all there for a reason. You are meant to learn by figuring out how to coexist with them in a constructive way.
I don't know if this is true, but it is certainly interesting and I find it makes these challenges easier to accept. And if so, then my son was sent to me to teach me to love, to be patient, to accept and really love people for who they are, and to look beyond the labels that I grew up believing in. Most of all, he's here to teach me to be positive while also being sincere, and to never, never, never, never give up.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Having a Salisbury Moment
We're lucky to have a family friend who is an industrial designer. Very visual and creative guy, and fascinated with new technology and emerging art. When my kids were babies, he used to tell me a cautionary tale about schools and how teachers can get trapped thinking inside the box. For example, the whole thing about "coloring inside the lines" and using traditional colors for objects -- green for grass, blue for sky, yellow for sun -- like that.
He encouraged his own daughter to color, but never using coloring books with predetermined pictures and "use this color on this part" instructions. No emphasis on "staying inside the lines" but rather, busting out of them and making your own creations. He encouraged her to color, draw and make art using blank paper as a starting point. And he urged us to consider doing the same.
Well, here we are 5 years later and my daughter is a very creative artist. Gets a lot of evident pleasure from abstract paintings. She is a nontraditional thinker and clearly has her own ideas about how to create art, which we applaud and celebrate. Imagine my reaction yesterday, when she told me her classmates said her drawings "were bad, because they don't look like what we're drawing." My wonderfully artistic daughter looked hurt and discouraged, and said, "I can't draw."
I pulled myself up to full height and declared, "YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST. The greatest artists in the world draw what THEY see and what THEY feel. They don't just draw what is in front of them. Your classmates are being silly. YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST. We will visit the SFMOMA and I will show you what I mean."
She never ever makes art that looks like anyone else's. For example, her 'self portrait' was almost exclusively 3D with beads, buttons, yarn, feathers and other little plastic shapes on paper. Everyone else just drew a circle with eyes and nose using crayon. She painted, used glue and mixed media, in a fully non-representational color palette.
Our industrial designer friend is very proud of her, and told her to keep it up.
We'll be visiting the SFMOMA next week. She'll be able to see for herself that Paul Klee, Jackson Pollock and Pablo Picasso all missed the memo about drawing things the way they look to the masses. And thank god they did.
He encouraged his own daughter to color, but never using coloring books with predetermined pictures and "use this color on this part" instructions. No emphasis on "staying inside the lines" but rather, busting out of them and making your own creations. He encouraged her to color, draw and make art using blank paper as a starting point. And he urged us to consider doing the same.
Well, here we are 5 years later and my daughter is a very creative artist. Gets a lot of evident pleasure from abstract paintings. She is a nontraditional thinker and clearly has her own ideas about how to create art, which we applaud and celebrate. Imagine my reaction yesterday, when she told me her classmates said her drawings "were bad, because they don't look like what we're drawing." My wonderfully artistic daughter looked hurt and discouraged, and said, "I can't draw."
I pulled myself up to full height and declared, "YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST. The greatest artists in the world draw what THEY see and what THEY feel. They don't just draw what is in front of them. Your classmates are being silly. YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST. We will visit the SFMOMA and I will show you what I mean."
She never ever makes art that looks like anyone else's. For example, her 'self portrait' was almost exclusively 3D with beads, buttons, yarn, feathers and other little plastic shapes on paper. Everyone else just drew a circle with eyes and nose using crayon. She painted, used glue and mixed media, in a fully non-representational color palette.
Our industrial designer friend is very proud of her, and told her to keep it up.
We'll be visiting the SFMOMA next week. She'll be able to see for herself that Paul Klee, Jackson Pollock and Pablo Picasso all missed the memo about drawing things the way they look to the masses. And thank god they did.
At Last, Some Helpful Facts
Finally, some good news that's providing a measure of comfort and relief to our family.
We've been wondering if our son is dyslexic, and over the past year it's become increasingly apparent that he has some kind of learning difference. However, with a Slingerland reading tutor, his ability jumped from below-Kindergarten to 2nd-grade-level in one school year, and with Handwriting Without Tears, his penmanship is among the best of the boys in his class. (The girls' handwriting ... well, they're all WAY ahead of the boys in fine motor. No comparison at this age.) We fully credit his school for having the vision to use these methods in the classroom with all the kids since everyone benefits from them, irrespective of individual ability.
So over the last year, his symptoms and behaviors fit less and less into the dyslexic arena, but persisted and became more evident. He struggles to get words out quickly, has difficulty following multi-stage instructions (especially if they are spoken quickly), and has begun to have more noticeable challenges in his social skills and peer communication as interactions require more subtlety and accurate reading of fleeting auditory cues.
Through plain old luck and a lot of reading about language/neuropsych disorders, I started to think he has something called CAPD -- central auditory processing disorder. This is a condition where the person usually has excellent hearing acuity (possibly even hyperacuity), but their brain cannot effectively translate incoming sounds into useful meanings. Do you remember the Charlie Brown movies when the grownups talk? "Wha wha wha wha wha....." That is what conversation (or directions, or instructions, or a classroom lecture) sounds like to someone with CAPD. They do very well 1:1, but when even 2 people are talking (or giggling, or whispering, or there's background noise such as construction) their brain can't suppress the background noise AND translate the primary conversation at the same time.
Well, yesterday I took him to a pediatric audiologist who specializes in assessing (and ruling out) CAPD. She has a ton of incredibly fancy acoustic sensing equipment in her office/lab. Exhaustive medical history intake + home/school behavior descriptions. 90 solid minutes of testing my son -- he was a champ. As soon as she finished the last test, she called me into her office and said, "Well, whichever clinician sent you to me, they were spot on. Your son has CAPD and he can really benefit from speech/language therapy." I burst out laughing and told her NO DOCTOR sent him; in fact, the 40-page assessment we received from a team of neuropsychs last year was only notable for completely failing to point at CAPD as a possible diagnosis, despite the fact that they administered some of the same tests that she just did. It was all because my husband and I kept thinking, 'there's something not right here....' and seeing his behavior compared to his younger sister's highlighted specific gaps that were only growing over time.
This diagnosis doesn't rule out dyslexia, as the conditions may co-occur, but it appears less likely (symptomatically) and we finally have something concrete to go on. Now we're onto the next stage -- developing and launching a successful intervention plan. Finally, so much of my head-scratching, watching and worrying have a constructive place to go. I don't pretend to think this is the end of the sleepless nights or heartache -- I think that's part of the package of raising children and not being able to take all of the bullets for them. I do realize that I'm lucky to have taken the last 9 months off from work. The free time enabled me to observe him closely on the school playground on many many days, spend more time with him 1:1, and gave me a factual basis for research which brought us to where we are today.
Did I mention that the audiologist had a last-minute cancellation and that's how we got yesterday's appointment? I called her on Monday, we saw her on Tuesday. Her next available appointment was in August. How lucky is that? There are very few pediatric audiologists in the area who are qualified to assess for CAPD.
In the last year I've relied heavily on supportive listeners and friends. This is no road to travel on alone. Thank god for each and every one of them.
We've been wondering if our son is dyslexic, and over the past year it's become increasingly apparent that he has some kind of learning difference. However, with a Slingerland reading tutor, his ability jumped from below-Kindergarten to 2nd-grade-level in one school year, and with Handwriting Without Tears, his penmanship is among the best of the boys in his class. (The girls' handwriting ... well, they're all WAY ahead of the boys in fine motor. No comparison at this age.) We fully credit his school for having the vision to use these methods in the classroom with all the kids since everyone benefits from them, irrespective of individual ability.
So over the last year, his symptoms and behaviors fit less and less into the dyslexic arena, but persisted and became more evident. He struggles to get words out quickly, has difficulty following multi-stage instructions (especially if they are spoken quickly), and has begun to have more noticeable challenges in his social skills and peer communication as interactions require more subtlety and accurate reading of fleeting auditory cues.
Through plain old luck and a lot of reading about language/neuropsych disorders, I started to think he has something called CAPD -- central auditory processing disorder. This is a condition where the person usually has excellent hearing acuity (possibly even hyperacuity), but their brain cannot effectively translate incoming sounds into useful meanings. Do you remember the Charlie Brown movies when the grownups talk? "Wha wha wha wha wha....." That is what conversation (or directions, or instructions, or a classroom lecture) sounds like to someone with CAPD. They do very well 1:1, but when even 2 people are talking (or giggling, or whispering, or there's background noise such as construction) their brain can't suppress the background noise AND translate the primary conversation at the same time.
Well, yesterday I took him to a pediatric audiologist who specializes in assessing (and ruling out) CAPD. She has a ton of incredibly fancy acoustic sensing equipment in her office/lab. Exhaustive medical history intake + home/school behavior descriptions. 90 solid minutes of testing my son -- he was a champ. As soon as she finished the last test, she called me into her office and said, "Well, whichever clinician sent you to me, they were spot on. Your son has CAPD and he can really benefit from speech/language therapy." I burst out laughing and told her NO DOCTOR sent him; in fact, the 40-page assessment we received from a team of neuropsychs last year was only notable for completely failing to point at CAPD as a possible diagnosis, despite the fact that they administered some of the same tests that she just did. It was all because my husband and I kept thinking, 'there's something not right here....' and seeing his behavior compared to his younger sister's highlighted specific gaps that were only growing over time.
This diagnosis doesn't rule out dyslexia, as the conditions may co-occur, but it appears less likely (symptomatically) and we finally have something concrete to go on. Now we're onto the next stage -- developing and launching a successful intervention plan. Finally, so much of my head-scratching, watching and worrying have a constructive place to go. I don't pretend to think this is the end of the sleepless nights or heartache -- I think that's part of the package of raising children and not being able to take all of the bullets for them. I do realize that I'm lucky to have taken the last 9 months off from work. The free time enabled me to observe him closely on the school playground on many many days, spend more time with him 1:1, and gave me a factual basis for research which brought us to where we are today.
Did I mention that the audiologist had a last-minute cancellation and that's how we got yesterday's appointment? I called her on Monday, we saw her on Tuesday. Her next available appointment was in August. How lucky is that? There are very few pediatric audiologists in the area who are qualified to assess for CAPD.
In the last year I've relied heavily on supportive listeners and friends. This is no road to travel on alone. Thank god for each and every one of them.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A Quick Look Back (Where Did 2010 Go?)
December 2009 - We moved to Palo Alto. Repainted all the rooms. Both kids in new schools. Unpacking begins. Escape to San Diego just to get away from all the boxes and packing paper.
January 2010 - Unpacking continues. Figuring out all the home operations systems. Got the kids re-settled into schools after vacation.
February 2010 - Unpacking continues. Stager comes to place furniture and art. Interview landscape designers and elicit some potential big picture changes that could really improve our outdoor space. Son turns 7. Ski season begins, and I take the kids to Tahoe myself while husband attends a conference in Barcelona. Put up shelving in garage and clear enough space to park the Jensen Healy in it. (No comment.)
March 2010 - Unpacking just about finished. Attend an art-viewing party at a neighbor's, and fall in love with several paintings. Husband haggles like a pro and we get them for a fraction of the original quoted cost. Have hideous plants removed from yards -- hedges, roses, fruit trees and unidentified ugly stuff.
April 2010 - Intensive iterations with landscape designer on potential deck remodel and front yard designs. Have soil turned over; buy mulch and compost and drive it home in giant diesel truck for soil remediation. Have concrete sections removed in preparation for deck remodel. New couch arrives after 3 month delay. Deck remodel begins. New patio door ordered. Researched and selected plants, dug holes and planted them. Thinned out branches in front yard Japanese maple. Discovered a great re-use for side yard flagstones in the front yard as pavers. Ordered sideboard for living room.
May 2010 - Deck remodel complete, front yard bench built, and patio doors installed -- stucco and door paint next week. Added deck lights to original design. Tossed in a kids' play platform / treehouse. Mulched front yard plants by hand. Began trimming side yard plants and huge wall of ivy.
COMING SOON: Console table for front living room. Sideboard (need to figure out how to get it home from store). Moving secretary downstairs, after transferring wineglasses and table linens to sideboard. Lamps for sideboard. Revised resume and networking meetings.
COMING A LITTLE LATER: Turn over soil in the backyard and add compost/mulch. Add azaleas and a madrone tree. Plant vines with scent, such as jasmine.
January 2010 - Unpacking continues. Figuring out all the home operations systems. Got the kids re-settled into schools after vacation.
February 2010 - Unpacking continues. Stager comes to place furniture and art. Interview landscape designers and elicit some potential big picture changes that could really improve our outdoor space. Son turns 7. Ski season begins, and I take the kids to Tahoe myself while husband attends a conference in Barcelona. Put up shelving in garage and clear enough space to park the Jensen Healy in it. (No comment.)
March 2010 - Unpacking just about finished. Attend an art-viewing party at a neighbor's, and fall in love with several paintings. Husband haggles like a pro and we get them for a fraction of the original quoted cost. Have hideous plants removed from yards -- hedges, roses, fruit trees and unidentified ugly stuff.
April 2010 - Intensive iterations with landscape designer on potential deck remodel and front yard designs. Have soil turned over; buy mulch and compost and drive it home in giant diesel truck for soil remediation. Have concrete sections removed in preparation for deck remodel. New couch arrives after 3 month delay. Deck remodel begins. New patio door ordered. Researched and selected plants, dug holes and planted them. Thinned out branches in front yard Japanese maple. Discovered a great re-use for side yard flagstones in the front yard as pavers. Ordered sideboard for living room.
May 2010 - Deck remodel complete, front yard bench built, and patio doors installed -- stucco and door paint next week. Added deck lights to original design. Tossed in a kids' play platform / treehouse. Mulched front yard plants by hand. Began trimming side yard plants and huge wall of ivy.
COMING SOON: Console table for front living room. Sideboard (need to figure out how to get it home from store). Moving secretary downstairs, after transferring wineglasses and table linens to sideboard. Lamps for sideboard. Revised resume and networking meetings.
COMING A LITTLE LATER: Turn over soil in the backyard and add compost/mulch. Add azaleas and a madrone tree. Plant vines with scent, such as jasmine.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Because It's Almost Mother's Day
In mid-May there's so much focus on heroic examples of motherhood. I know first-hand that they're well-deserved. Parenting is harder than anyone ever talks about BEFORE one becomes a parent. Like a secret society of sufferers. But upon a bit a reflection, maybe the thanks should go to the kids. Because here's what I've learned since becoming a parent:
- Since birth, my kids have been a constant, pressing reason to become the better person that I am so desperate to be. For their sake, because their lives are so clearly my highest priority. [How high continues to surprise me. Before having kids I didn't know it was possible to put others before oneself so utterly and without thinking, and on so many levels.]
- I've been forced to mature quickly, to develop much deeper and authentic empathy, and to take the long view.
- I've had to accept who they are now (i.e. NOT me), and accept that they will change (i.e. still not me) throughout their lives. It's obvious how important it is to stay on top of who they are now and to let go of the past, while not forgetting it or honoring it.
- Hardest of all, I've had to give up senseless fantasies of mega-good looks, unusual athleticism, extraordinary academic prowess, and insta-musicianship plus a clear shot to Harvard. I've had to learn to be proud of their effort and progress.
- I've had to look hard at myself and my sense of shame and disappointment because my son has learning differences -- potentially dyslexia -- and to believe, honestly and without being a martyr or a Pollyanna, that he can still achieve whatever he decides he wants to pursue. Even if it means taking a different path or being harder than what my life has led me to expect. Because my life experiences aren't going to be so directly applicable to his. So I need to set a good example and be a good learner with a great attitude about trying, erring and getting up to try again.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Walking A Mile in a SAHM's Shoes
Maybe not a whole mile, but at least a few long city blocks. It's not a comfortable walk. For example, some early findings:
- Because they occur mid-day and mid-week, your contributions are somewhat invisible and easy to get used to if you're the recipient of these services. Includes grocery shopping (driving to/from, buying, loading/unloading), meal preparation (thinking up, cooking, serving) and laundry (gathering, sorting, stain-treating, washing, drying, folding, putting away). Also includes really thankless stuff like making and rescheduling appointments, enrolling in classes, and driving to/from school to enable these.
- It's lonely without other adults.
- Unexpected bonus: it's nice not to have to talk to your kids all day long, clean up after them or help them with things which interrupt completion of your own tasks or activities.
- It can make you very short-term-oriented, unless you have some large-scale and long-term projects that you are tackling.
- Unexpected bonus: you don't have to endure countless boring, inefficient and often infuriating meetings with coworkers.
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