Oh-Kay ... Breathe Slowly, Deeply, and Gently

I'm learning to be mindful of what I wish for. Not careful or cautious, just aware. Very aware.

Let's look backward a few months.

In April, I was feeling burned out at work. So much so that I thought of asking for a leave of absence to get back to normal.

In May, I decided to do this, even though the economy was in a deep recession and my job would be up for grabs.

In June, I began my leave of absence and started to take care of myself and my family. After 7 years' hiatus, I started exercising regularly, fixed some big ugly patches in my garden, and restored my children's room to order.

In July, my husband had to go overseas for about 3 weeks. Since I was at home, I was able to devote a lot of time to caring for my kids, giving them extra TLC, making special meals, and organizing and taking them on fun excursions to lessen the blow of missing Daddy. Realized that by next year, we would need to move to Palo Alto to be closer to school for both kids, and to the office for my husband. I would not be able to continue working in San Francisco. Thanks to MLS, I was able to familiarize myself with available house inventory, prices, neighborhoods, etc.

In August, I supported my kids and transitioned them into new schools. Started meeting the other parents at these schools and began the process of joining new communities. Asked to be considered as a backup Room Parent at my son's school. Never expected this to occur, given the lateness of my request. Within in a week, I was appointed as a Room Parent. Kept watching MLS to see what kinds of houses and prices we could expect to buy next year.

In September, our family started the Giant Bi-Directional Commute. Husband and son to the south Peninsula; myself and daughter to San Francisco. We let our nanny go, since my son's school hours ended in the mid/late afternoon, with an excellent after-school program. Huge $ savings, and even bigger stress reduction -- no need to manage her any more. Actually dismissing her took a significant amount of time, negotiation and effort. Apparently she didn't realize that the recession is a reality and people don't want to pay $$ for little to no work. In terms of my health, still exercising thanks to the Dailey Method and Bar Method. Lots of home maintenance and cooking. Realized I needed to return to work for my own satisfaction, but felt no enthusiasm for returning to my old company. Read the writing on the wall, i.e. would be best off working as an independent consultant. Figured I would deal with that in November. In the meantime, decided to interview and select real estate agent so we could start getting informed about the market in a more specific way. Asked for referrals and was pointed to a very proactive agent with 30+ years' experience in the neighborhoods we had targeted. Both kids getting used to new schools, teachers, classmates, cultures. Son has a bit of homework every night. Daughter's class is less directive; more self-initiated. Lots of changes.

Mid-September, I had my first meeting with our real estate agent. In one day, she showed me all of the available inventory meeting our criteria ... exactly 4 houses. That's right. Good news -- don't have to look at and think about 80 houses. Bad news -- there are only 4 houses in our range! Good news -- I only really liked one of them.

Two days later, my husband went to look at those same houses. He had the same opinion.

Two days after that, we took our whole family to look at those houses. My kids thought the whole thing was an odd morning excursion but went with the flow. My husband and I agreed that the original house we liked was still the front-runner for location and livability. We decided to make an offer. This is now Sunday night.

On Monday, we made a formal offer.

On Wednesday, we received a counteroffer.

On Thursday, we made a counteroffer.

On Saturday, we received another counteroffer.

On Sunday, we made a counteroffer with two options, showing that this was our best and final offer.

That Sunday, our offer was accepted. September 27th, just 11 days after I first met the real estate agent.

Now we are moving money around to enable the purchase. Putting together financing so we don't have to wait 6 months to get a mortgage -- new banking rules ... who knew? Trying to close by next Friday, a total of 12 calendar days.

There's more.

This past Saturday (one day before our house negotiations ended) my neighbor brought up a potential consulting gig with a highly-regarded biotech company. And guess what ... for the right person, they would consider a part-time role. Amazing. An opportunity.

After months of dilly-dallying, we'd ordered a new car to replace my 14-yr old vehicle in which my very tall husband has never really fit. Thought it would arrive in November or December. Turns out it's coming in the middle of October.

After months of procrastinating, we'd ordered 3 new windows for our kitchen. Thought they'd arrive in November or December. Turns out they're coming on October 19th and will installed shortly thereafter.

What other things are now underway from this initial waterfall of change? Let's see ... looking for Palo Alto preschool openings for my daughter. Right.... One of the parents at my son's school told me about a great Montessori nearby. She thinks they might be expanding classroom space and perhaps could take new students. Another parent offered to make a warm introduction to the school and its director. Yet another friend offered to help get my daughter into a Reggio Emilia method preschool where she is a co-founder. Incredible. So many helping hands.

Getting bids from movers. Starting the process of selling our current home. Thinking about all the things we probably should sell or get rid of before we move. Being invited to block parties to meet our future neighbors.

In June, this all seemed like a far-off future. No way would I have believed that we would be preparing to move before spring of 2010 at the earliest. It just goes to show that when you push on boulders, don't be surprised when they suddenly start to roll. Because you were pushing, remember?

Newsflash: September 2009

My daughter's preschool teacher informed me that her favorite activity, thus far, is Snack Table. That's right. She likes to hang out at the snack table for 45 minutes at a time and chat it up with her classmates. Apparently this has been well and good for the last month, but the school now feels it's time to branch out into other areas -- like drawing, painting, doing puzzles, playing with blocks, etc. So she's going to be kicked out of Snack Time dalliance for a while. Perhaps in her adulthood she'll be able to support herself somehow while also pursuing Cafe Life in Paris.

Why It's Never Occurred To Me To Stay At Home

In the same vein, it seems inevitable that I would be a working mother. Both of my parents worked full-time until retirement, and I never had a babysitter. My dad worked in the morning and my mom worked in the evening. I came home from school just as my mom was leaving the house to go to the hospital. My sister and I were latchkey kids. So when I had my own kids it never occurred to me that I'd do anything except take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the evening, feed them dinner, help with homework and get them in bed. However, in my affluent SF suburb, the stay-at-home alternative had clearly occurred to a lot of other families. They may have had that experience themselves, growing up. I've watched neighbors and friends spend their days in ways I can scarcely understand because I'm so unfamiliar with what it's like to be a full-time parent.

From the little I have been able to glean, it looks like they spend time socializing together, creating friendships, community and intimacy. Many of them are disciplined and smart enough to exercise regularly, too. All of them juggle scheduling, multiple school dropoffs/pickups, and choosing and supervising after-school activities. A lot of driving and carpooling is involved. And of course, there are all the family- and life-management activities to pull off every day and week -- meals, laundry, cleaning, caring for sick kids, reading, helping with homework and extracurriculars. They do other things that blow my mind as well. For example, I've seen Neighbor A take care of Neighbor B's kids -- all under the age of 7 -- for an entire weekend so that Neighbor B (husband and wife) could get away. On paper this seems so sensible and accessible. But to me, it feels unthinkable. My parents NEVER left us in the care of anyone else; they didn't pursue their own leisure or interests or go away for weekends. So to my brain this concept seems like it's filed in Wikipedia under Giant Imposition; basically, something so drastic you'd only ask if it were a life/death situation.

On the other hand, I'm confronting a few wrinkles with my own assumed approach. First, we live far away from school, so my kids need a responsible adult to drive them back and forth. Next, my husband and I both work during the days, yet someone needs to remain at home with the kids once school is over -- they're too young to be on their own. Last, and most important, my son has a challenging temperament (that's putting it politely) and also appears to have some learning differences which will require a steady degree of parental coaching, tutoring, supervision and assistance. Put all that together and working full-time seems like a strange choice -- it essentially means that I'd have my original day job, my new day job (tutor/coach/parent/advocate), and my less-new day and night job (parent/cook/launderer/chauffeur/activity organizer). That's three jobs in the same 24 hours with no commensurate increase in time off or benefits. Is that what we call fuzzy math?

So now I finally get why parents choose to stay home to support their kids and families -- so they can have 1 or 2 jobs instead of 3. Because you're not supposed to have 3 full-time jobs and do well at all of them.

It's a safe bet that nobody ever discussed this without being dismissive or blithe about the infeasibility of it all when I was going to graduate school, or at any of those somewhat vacuous career-development conferences for high-potential women that I attended. All they mentioned was "flex scheduling" which basically boiled down to working after dinner until very late at night just to keep your job; and getting a good nanny, or somehow manufacturing excellent in-laws who would effectively act as your kids' nanny. And at some level, at some age, this just doesn't work the way one might hope.

Parenting Without A Specifc Role Model (aka Figuring It Out As I Go)

Over the last couple of months I've begun to see why I struggle so much with parenting. Relationships with my children, our roles/responsibilities, traditions, expectations, communication methods, discipline ... I don't think I manage these matters very positively. At least, my process and results probably don't bear close scrutiny. One reason may be that I am trying to be a quite different parent from my own mother and father. This seems so obvious and simplistic, and I'm only now realizing how far-reaching the implications are. Consider the following:

• Playing with my kids. I don't have much idea of what to do or how to do it because it's been 40 years since I was a kid and my parents didn't play games with me. Chess doesn't count. My parents taught me to read, write, do math and learn science. So I am literally unaware of games that most other people know -- card games, board games, ask-questions-in-the-car games.
• Family-friendly and kid-friendly outings. Again, I don't have much to draw upon here. Growing up, we went on picnics and hikes. We didn't go to the zoo, the circus, ball games or sporting events. We didn't go to fairs or carnivals, or beaches and boardwalks. I attended a lot of classical concerts and occasionally we went to the movies. So when it comes to figuring out what to do with my own kids, I'm sort of stymied.
• Interacting with my kids. My parents were typical of their generation, expecting silence and obedience from us. This doesn't work as well in 2009 since society and schools have migrated toward a more mutually-interactive model where kids get more say in their lives. When we're all calm and feeling cooperative, this isn't an issue. Under pressure, however, I regress to yelling, lecturing and threats. You can imagine that this approach doesn't produce desired or desirable results.
  
• Traditions. I don't remember any meaningful traditions in our family that we either brought from Korea or created ourselves. My parents were working so hard to make a living and to educate us that this whole part of life seems to have fallen to the wayside. As a result, I have no memories to fall back on during holidays and other major events for what to do or how to do it. Inventing from scratch is exhausting and stressful; and trying to create a connection to Korean traditions feels quite out of reach. My husband's family celebrated events in great detail and specificity. While half of me longs to continue those traditions, the other half of me feels completely left out in the process, as though I were trying on someone else's clothes and personality just to seem like I'm part of the group.

I don't blame my parents for the choices they made. I'm simply struck by how (adult) achievement-oriented my childhood was (piano, math, reading, writing, science) and how little time we spent in bonding or creating memories through family habits and traditions. So when I observe my friends with their families decorating elaborate Easter Eggs with paint and wax; creating home-made birthday parties with decor, favors, games and prizes; making certain foods at holidays with such surety; marking certain life milestones with established activities -- I'm envious of their ability to decide and act with such confidence and practice.

I Think I'm A Slow Learner

This summer I've learned a few things about my capabilities and limits. Because I've been living with tunnel vision for a while, I failed to notice these things earlier. It's worrisome because the natural next question is, "So what other (incredibly obvious and important) things have I also failed to notice?" Anyway. Here goes.

Capabilities:

1. Scheduling and multi-tasking. Apparently I'm a natural at mentally organizing and sequencing events, activities and tasks to get them completed efficiently and/or meeting at a common end time. I can also cook, clean rooms, do laundry and answer emails without feeling strain.
2. Getting places on time. I'm good at figuring out what time to leave Pt A so as to arrive at Pt B at an appointed time.
   
3. Finishing what I start. I started a lot of things this summer, such as room-cleanout, unused item donation, 2 years' of artwork archival and getting the garden to look better. Those are all done.

Limits:

1. Maintenance. Once I've built something or birthed a prototype, I lose a lot of interest. For me, it's all about the initiation, maybe up to 2nd draft. After that, someone else needs to take over.
2. Playfulness and having a light touch. From observing random children recently, I'd guess that I used to be pretty playful. But somewhere along the last 44 years I have lost grasp of this ability. I'm pretty heavy-handed and lecturing seems to come naturally to me. Some days I don't want to hang out with myself, but suspect that dissociation would only make things worse.

Yikes.