Parenting Without A Specifc Role Model (aka Figuring It Out As I Go)

Over the last couple of months I've begun to see why I struggle so much with parenting. Relationships with my children, our roles/responsibilities, traditions, expectations, communication methods, discipline ... I don't think I manage these matters very positively. At least, my process and results probably don't bear close scrutiny. One reason may be that I am trying to be a quite different parent from my own mother and father. This seems so obvious and simplistic, and I'm only now realizing how far-reaching the implications are. Consider the following:

• Playing with my kids. I don't have much idea of what to do or how to do it because it's been 40 years since I was a kid and my parents didn't play games with me. Chess doesn't count. My parents taught me to read, write, do math and learn science. So I am literally unaware of games that most other people know -- card games, board games, ask-questions-in-the-car games.
• Family-friendly and kid-friendly outings. Again, I don't have much to draw upon here. Growing up, we went on picnics and hikes. We didn't go to the zoo, the circus, ball games or sporting events. We didn't go to fairs or carnivals, or beaches and boardwalks. I attended a lot of classical concerts and occasionally we went to the movies. So when it comes to figuring out what to do with my own kids, I'm sort of stymied.
• Interacting with my kids. My parents were typical of their generation, expecting silence and obedience from us. This doesn't work as well in 2009 since society and schools have migrated toward a more mutually-interactive model where kids get more say in their lives. When we're all calm and feeling cooperative, this isn't an issue. Under pressure, however, I regress to yelling, lecturing and threats. You can imagine that this approach doesn't produce desired or desirable results.
  
• Traditions. I don't remember any meaningful traditions in our family that we either brought from Korea or created ourselves. My parents were working so hard to make a living and to educate us that this whole part of life seems to have fallen to the wayside. As a result, I have no memories to fall back on during holidays and other major events for what to do or how to do it. Inventing from scratch is exhausting and stressful; and trying to create a connection to Korean traditions feels quite out of reach. My husband's family celebrated events in great detail and specificity. While half of me longs to continue those traditions, the other half of me feels completely left out in the process, as though I were trying on someone else's clothes and personality just to seem like I'm part of the group.

I don't blame my parents for the choices they made. I'm simply struck by how (adult) achievement-oriented my childhood was (piano, math, reading, writing, science) and how little time we spent in bonding or creating memories through family habits and traditions. So when I observe my friends with their families decorating elaborate Easter Eggs with paint and wax; creating home-made birthday parties with decor, favors, games and prizes; making certain foods at holidays with such surety; marking certain life milestones with established activities -- I'm envious of their ability to decide and act with such confidence and practice.