December 2009 - We moved to Palo Alto. Repainted all the rooms. Both kids in new schools. Unpacking begins. Escape to San Diego just to get away from all the boxes and packing paper.
January 2010 - Unpacking continues. Figuring out all the home operations systems. Got the kids re-settled into schools after vacation.
February 2010 - Unpacking continues. Stager comes to place furniture and art. Interview landscape designers and elicit some potential big picture changes that could really improve our outdoor space. Son turns 7. Ski season begins, and I take the kids to Tahoe myself while husband attends a conference in Barcelona. Put up shelving in garage and clear enough space to park the Jensen Healy in it. (No comment.)
March 2010 - Unpacking just about finished. Attend an art-viewing party at a neighbor's, and fall in love with several paintings. Husband haggles like a pro and we get them for a fraction of the original quoted cost. Have hideous plants removed from yards -- hedges, roses, fruit trees and unidentified ugly stuff.
April 2010 - Intensive iterations with landscape designer on potential deck remodel and front yard designs. Have soil turned over; buy mulch and compost and drive it home in giant diesel truck for soil remediation. Have concrete sections removed in preparation for deck remodel. New couch arrives after 3 month delay. Deck remodel begins. New patio door ordered. Researched and selected plants, dug holes and planted them. Thinned out branches in front yard Japanese maple. Discovered a great re-use for side yard flagstones in the front yard as pavers. Ordered sideboard for living room.
May 2010 - Deck remodel complete, front yard bench built, and patio doors installed -- stucco and door paint next week. Added deck lights to original design. Tossed in a kids' play platform / treehouse. Mulched front yard plants by hand. Began trimming side yard plants and huge wall of ivy.
COMING SOON: Console table for front living room. Sideboard (need to figure out how to get it home from store). Moving secretary downstairs, after transferring wineglasses and table linens to sideboard. Lamps for sideboard. Revised resume and networking meetings.
COMING A LITTLE LATER: Turn over soil in the backyard and add compost/mulch. Add azaleas and a madrone tree. Plant vines with scent, such as jasmine.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Because It's Almost Mother's Day
In mid-May there's so much focus on heroic examples of motherhood. I know first-hand that they're well-deserved. Parenting is harder than anyone ever talks about BEFORE one becomes a parent. Like a secret society of sufferers. But upon a bit a reflection, maybe the thanks should go to the kids. Because here's what I've learned since becoming a parent:
- Since birth, my kids have been a constant, pressing reason to become the better person that I am so desperate to be. For their sake, because their lives are so clearly my highest priority. [How high continues to surprise me. Before having kids I didn't know it was possible to put others before oneself so utterly and without thinking, and on so many levels.]
- I've been forced to mature quickly, to develop much deeper and authentic empathy, and to take the long view.
- I've had to accept who they are now (i.e. NOT me), and accept that they will change (i.e. still not me) throughout their lives. It's obvious how important it is to stay on top of who they are now and to let go of the past, while not forgetting it or honoring it.
- Hardest of all, I've had to give up senseless fantasies of mega-good looks, unusual athleticism, extraordinary academic prowess, and insta-musicianship plus a clear shot to Harvard. I've had to learn to be proud of their effort and progress.
- I've had to look hard at myself and my sense of shame and disappointment because my son has learning differences -- potentially dyslexia -- and to believe, honestly and without being a martyr or a Pollyanna, that he can still achieve whatever he decides he wants to pursue. Even if it means taking a different path or being harder than what my life has led me to expect. Because my life experiences aren't going to be so directly applicable to his. So I need to set a good example and be a good learner with a great attitude about trying, erring and getting up to try again.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Walking A Mile in a SAHM's Shoes
Maybe not a whole mile, but at least a few long city blocks. It's not a comfortable walk. For example, some early findings:
- Because they occur mid-day and mid-week, your contributions are somewhat invisible and easy to get used to if you're the recipient of these services. Includes grocery shopping (driving to/from, buying, loading/unloading), meal preparation (thinking up, cooking, serving) and laundry (gathering, sorting, stain-treating, washing, drying, folding, putting away). Also includes really thankless stuff like making and rescheduling appointments, enrolling in classes, and driving to/from school to enable these.
- It's lonely without other adults.
- Unexpected bonus: it's nice not to have to talk to your kids all day long, clean up after them or help them with things which interrupt completion of your own tasks or activities.
- It can make you very short-term-oriented, unless you have some large-scale and long-term projects that you are tackling.
- Unexpected bonus: you don't have to endure countless boring, inefficient and often infuriating meetings with coworkers.
January 2010 Gone Already???
For the past 4-5 years I have not been able to recall what happened in the prior months. It's as though my brain's OS resets every 30 days and wipes the disk clean. To combat this, I'm going to use this blog as a record of what just took place. Here goes:
January 2010, as recorded on February 1, 2010.
- Started the new year in San Diego where it was warm and sunny. We played on the beach and used up our Hotel Del gift certificate for multiple meals without breaking out the wallet. Did very little, activity-wise, but were well-rested and spent an entire week in each others' company.
- Returned to normal life: work, school and home projects. Drag.
- Son's class goes ice-skating each week for PE. To my surprise, he learns how to skate very quickly and does well at it. His karate class is threatened with early extinction but the email efforts of several parents to get critical mass -- at least 10 kids enrolled -- are successful and karate continues! Son comes home with uniform, belt and patches that he instructs me to sew onto uniform.
- Daughter's class continues to have dance/movement and Spanish each week. She seems to be fitting in well, enjoying her teachers, and today announced that she likes school much better because she is not as tired from it being "far away from home making me achy and with tears running down my face." OMG.
- Husband goes to Sydney for a week on business, making me grateful for the first time in my life that I'm not working. Not sure how I would deal with cooking, cleaning, meal prep, laundry, general childcare, Rx childcare, homework, reading and playing games otherwise.
- Insane thing I did because I wasn't at an office M-F: gathered and filled out forms to prove residency as precursor to registering my daughter for kindergarten. To give you a sense of scale, proof included: passports, birth certificate, marriage license, notarized deed to house, DMV registration. Spent 1 hour at school district office explaining forms and handing over originals to be xeroxed. Result: received assurance that we'd get a "conditional registration code" to enable online registration, subject to receipt of further paperwork such as a bank statement, property tax assessment and age-5 vaccinations.
- Other insane thing I did for same reason: waited 90 minutes in line, outdoors, to enroll kids for skating lessons. Was 4th in line out of about 40 parents. Was given a phone number and passcode to call next week to find out if my kids were successfully enrolled or not.
- Son's after-school schedule changes: added theater, added Cartooning Club, moved karate, moved swimming.
- Daughter's schedule changes: moved swimming.
- Started arranging playdates for kids so they can make friends at their schools and in the neighborhood.
January 2010, as recorded on February 1, 2010.
- Started the new year in San Diego where it was warm and sunny. We played on the beach and used up our Hotel Del gift certificate for multiple meals without breaking out the wallet. Did very little, activity-wise, but were well-rested and spent an entire week in each others' company.
- Returned to normal life: work, school and home projects. Drag.
- Son's class goes ice-skating each week for PE. To my surprise, he learns how to skate very quickly and does well at it. His karate class is threatened with early extinction but the email efforts of several parents to get critical mass -- at least 10 kids enrolled -- are successful and karate continues! Son comes home with uniform, belt and patches that he instructs me to sew onto uniform.
- Daughter's class continues to have dance/movement and Spanish each week. She seems to be fitting in well, enjoying her teachers, and today announced that she likes school much better because she is not as tired from it being "far away from home making me achy and with tears running down my face." OMG.
- Husband goes to Sydney for a week on business, making me grateful for the first time in my life that I'm not working. Not sure how I would deal with cooking, cleaning, meal prep, laundry, general childcare, Rx childcare, homework, reading and playing games otherwise.
- Insane thing I did because I wasn't at an office M-F: gathered and filled out forms to prove residency as precursor to registering my daughter for kindergarten. To give you a sense of scale, proof included: passports, birth certificate, marriage license, notarized deed to house, DMV registration. Spent 1 hour at school district office explaining forms and handing over originals to be xeroxed. Result: received assurance that we'd get a "conditional registration code" to enable online registration, subject to receipt of further paperwork such as a bank statement, property tax assessment and age-5 vaccinations.
- Other insane thing I did for same reason: waited 90 minutes in line, outdoors, to enroll kids for skating lessons. Was 4th in line out of about 40 parents. Was given a phone number and passcode to call next week to find out if my kids were successfully enrolled or not.
- Son's after-school schedule changes: added theater, added Cartooning Club, moved karate, moved swimming.
- Daughter's schedule changes: moved swimming.
- Started arranging playdates for kids so they can make friends at their schools and in the neighborhood.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Oh-Kay ... Breathe Slowly, Deeply, and Gently
I'm learning to be mindful of what I wish for. Not careful or cautious, just aware. Very aware.
Let's look backward a few months.
In April, I was feeling burned out at work. So much so that I thought of asking for a leave of absence to get back to normal.
In May, I decided to do this, even though the economy was in a deep recession and my job would be up for grabs.
In June, I began my leave of absence and started to take care of myself and my family. After 7 years' hiatus, I started exercising regularly, fixed some big ugly patches in my garden, and restored my children's room to order.
In July, my husband had to go overseas for about 3 weeks. Since I was at home, I was able to devote a lot of time to caring for my kids, giving them extra TLC, making special meals, and organizing and taking them on fun excursions to lessen the blow of missing Daddy. Realized that by next year, we would need to move to Palo Alto to be closer to school for both kids, and to the office for my husband. I would not be able to continue working in San Francisco. Thanks to MLS, I was able to familiarize myself with available house inventory, prices, neighborhoods, etc.
In August, I supported my kids and transitioned them into new schools. Started meeting the other parents at these schools and began the process of joining new communities. Asked to be considered as a backup Room Parent at my son's school. Never expected this to occur, given the lateness of my request. Within in a week, I was appointed as a Room Parent. Kept watching MLS to see what kinds of houses and prices we could expect to buy next year.
In September, our family started the Giant Bi-Directional Commute. Husband and son to the south Peninsula; myself and daughter to San Francisco. We let our nanny go, since my son's school hours ended in the mid/late afternoon, with an excellent after-school program. Huge $ savings, and even bigger stress reduction -- no need to manage her any more. Actually dismissing her took a significant amount of time, negotiation and effort. Apparently she didn't realize that the recession is a reality and people don't want to pay $$ for little to no work. In terms of my health, still exercising thanks to the Dailey Method and Bar Method. Lots of home maintenance and cooking. Realized I needed to return to work for my own satisfaction, but felt no enthusiasm for returning to my old company. Read the writing on the wall, i.e. would be best off working as an independent consultant. Figured I would deal with that in November. In the meantime, decided to interview and select real estate agent so we could start getting informed about the market in a more specific way. Asked for referrals and was pointed to a very proactive agent with 30+ years' experience in the neighborhoods we had targeted. Both kids getting used to new schools, teachers, classmates, cultures. Son has a bit of homework every night. Daughter's class is less directive; more self-initiated. Lots of changes.
Mid-September, I had my first meeting with our real estate agent. In one day, she showed me all of the available inventory meeting our criteria ... exactly 4 houses. That's right. Good news -- don't have to look at and think about 80 houses. Bad news -- there are only 4 houses in our range! Good news -- I only really liked one of them.
Two days later, my husband went to look at those same houses. He had the same opinion.
Two days after that, we took our whole family to look at those houses. My kids thought the whole thing was an odd morning excursion but went with the flow. My husband and I agreed that the original house we liked was still the front-runner for location and livability. We decided to make an offer. This is now Sunday night.
On Monday, we made a formal offer.
On Wednesday, we received a counteroffer.
On Thursday, we made a counteroffer.
On Saturday, we received another counteroffer.
On Sunday, we made a counteroffer with two options, showing that this was our best and final offer.
That Sunday, our offer was accepted. September 27th, just 11 days after I first met the real estate agent.
Now we are moving money around to enable the purchase. Putting together financing so we don't have to wait 6 months to get a mortgage -- new banking rules ... who knew? Trying to close by next Friday, a total of 12 calendar days.
There's more.
This past Saturday (one day before our house negotiations ended) my neighbor brought up a potential consulting gig with a highly-regarded biotech company. And guess what ... for the right person, they would consider a part-time role. Amazing. An opportunity.
After months of dilly-dallying, we'd ordered a new car to replace my 14-yr old vehicle in which my very tall husband has never really fit. Thought it would arrive in November or December. Turns out it's coming in the middle of October.
After months of procrastinating, we'd ordered 3 new windows for our kitchen. Thought they'd arrive in November or December. Turns out they're coming on October 19th and will installed shortly thereafter.
What other things are now underway from this initial waterfall of change? Let's see ... looking for Palo Alto preschool openings for my daughter. Right.... One of the parents at my son's school told me about a great Montessori nearby. She thinks they might be expanding classroom space and perhaps could take new students. Another parent offered to make a warm introduction to the school and its director. Yet another friend offered to help get my daughter into a Reggio Emilia method preschool where she is a co-founder. Incredible. So many helping hands.
Getting bids from movers. Starting the process of selling our current home. Thinking about all the things we probably should sell or get rid of before we move. Being invited to block parties to meet our future neighbors.
In June, this all seemed like a far-off future. No way would I have believed that we would be preparing to move before spring of 2010 at the earliest. It just goes to show that when you push on boulders, don't be surprised when they suddenly start to roll. Because you were pushing, remember?
Let's look backward a few months.
In April, I was feeling burned out at work. So much so that I thought of asking for a leave of absence to get back to normal.
In May, I decided to do this, even though the economy was in a deep recession and my job would be up for grabs.
In June, I began my leave of absence and started to take care of myself and my family. After 7 years' hiatus, I started exercising regularly, fixed some big ugly patches in my garden, and restored my children's room to order.
In July, my husband had to go overseas for about 3 weeks. Since I was at home, I was able to devote a lot of time to caring for my kids, giving them extra TLC, making special meals, and organizing and taking them on fun excursions to lessen the blow of missing Daddy. Realized that by next year, we would need to move to Palo Alto to be closer to school for both kids, and to the office for my husband. I would not be able to continue working in San Francisco. Thanks to MLS, I was able to familiarize myself with available house inventory, prices, neighborhoods, etc.
In August, I supported my kids and transitioned them into new schools. Started meeting the other parents at these schools and began the process of joining new communities. Asked to be considered as a backup Room Parent at my son's school. Never expected this to occur, given the lateness of my request. Within in a week, I was appointed as a Room Parent. Kept watching MLS to see what kinds of houses and prices we could expect to buy next year.
In September, our family started the Giant Bi-Directional Commute. Husband and son to the south Peninsula; myself and daughter to San Francisco. We let our nanny go, since my son's school hours ended in the mid/late afternoon, with an excellent after-school program. Huge $ savings, and even bigger stress reduction -- no need to manage her any more. Actually dismissing her took a significant amount of time, negotiation and effort. Apparently she didn't realize that the recession is a reality and people don't want to pay $$ for little to no work. In terms of my health, still exercising thanks to the Dailey Method and Bar Method. Lots of home maintenance and cooking. Realized I needed to return to work for my own satisfaction, but felt no enthusiasm for returning to my old company. Read the writing on the wall, i.e. would be best off working as an independent consultant. Figured I would deal with that in November. In the meantime, decided to interview and select real estate agent so we could start getting informed about the market in a more specific way. Asked for referrals and was pointed to a very proactive agent with 30+ years' experience in the neighborhoods we had targeted. Both kids getting used to new schools, teachers, classmates, cultures. Son has a bit of homework every night. Daughter's class is less directive; more self-initiated. Lots of changes.
Mid-September, I had my first meeting with our real estate agent. In one day, she showed me all of the available inventory meeting our criteria ... exactly 4 houses. That's right. Good news -- don't have to look at and think about 80 houses. Bad news -- there are only 4 houses in our range! Good news -- I only really liked one of them.
Two days later, my husband went to look at those same houses. He had the same opinion.
Two days after that, we took our whole family to look at those houses. My kids thought the whole thing was an odd morning excursion but went with the flow. My husband and I agreed that the original house we liked was still the front-runner for location and livability. We decided to make an offer. This is now Sunday night.
On Monday, we made a formal offer.
On Wednesday, we received a counteroffer.
On Thursday, we made a counteroffer.
On Saturday, we received another counteroffer.
On Sunday, we made a counteroffer with two options, showing that this was our best and final offer.
That Sunday, our offer was accepted. September 27th, just 11 days after I first met the real estate agent.
Now we are moving money around to enable the purchase. Putting together financing so we don't have to wait 6 months to get a mortgage -- new banking rules ... who knew? Trying to close by next Friday, a total of 12 calendar days.
There's more.
This past Saturday (one day before our house negotiations ended) my neighbor brought up a potential consulting gig with a highly-regarded biotech company. And guess what ... for the right person, they would consider a part-time role. Amazing. An opportunity.
After months of dilly-dallying, we'd ordered a new car to replace my 14-yr old vehicle in which my very tall husband has never really fit. Thought it would arrive in November or December. Turns out it's coming in the middle of October.
After months of procrastinating, we'd ordered 3 new windows for our kitchen. Thought they'd arrive in November or December. Turns out they're coming on October 19th and will installed shortly thereafter.
What other things are now underway from this initial waterfall of change? Let's see ... looking for Palo Alto preschool openings for my daughter. Right.... One of the parents at my son's school told me about a great Montessori nearby. She thinks they might be expanding classroom space and perhaps could take new students. Another parent offered to make a warm introduction to the school and its director. Yet another friend offered to help get my daughter into a Reggio Emilia method preschool where she is a co-founder. Incredible. So many helping hands.
Getting bids from movers. Starting the process of selling our current home. Thinking about all the things we probably should sell or get rid of before we move. Being invited to block parties to meet our future neighbors.
In June, this all seemed like a far-off future. No way would I have believed that we would be preparing to move before spring of 2010 at the earliest. It just goes to show that when you push on boulders, don't be surprised when they suddenly start to roll. Because you were pushing, remember?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Newsflash: September 2009
My daughter's preschool teacher informed me that her favorite activity, thus far, is Snack Table. That's right. She likes to hang out at the snack table for 45 minutes at a time and chat it up with her classmates. Apparently this has been well and good for the last month, but the school now feels it's time to branch out into other areas -- like drawing, painting, doing puzzles, playing with blocks, etc. So she's going to be kicked out of Snack Time dalliance for a while. Perhaps in her adulthood she'll be able to support herself somehow while also pursuing Cafe Life in Paris.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Why It's Never Occurred To Me To Stay At Home
In the same vein, it seems inevitable that I would be a working mother. Both of my parents worked full-time until retirement, and I never had a babysitter. My dad worked in the morning and my mom worked in the evening. I came home from school just as my mom was leaving the house to go to the hospital. My sister and I were latchkey kids. So when I had my own kids it never occurred to me that I'd do anything except take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the evening, feed them dinner, help with homework and get them in bed. However, in my affluent SF suburb, the stay-at-home alternative had clearly occurred to a lot of other families. They may have had that experience themselves, growing up. I've watched neighbors and friends spend their days in ways I can scarcely understand because I'm so unfamiliar with what it's like to be a full-time parent.
From the little I have been able to glean, it looks like they spend time socializing together, creating friendships, community and intimacy. Many of them are disciplined and smart enough to exercise regularly, too. All of them juggle scheduling, multiple school dropoffs/pickups, and choosing and supervising after-school activities. A lot of driving and carpooling is involved. And of course, there are all the family- and life-management activities to pull off every day and week -- meals, laundry, cleaning, caring for sick kids, reading, helping with homework and extracurriculars. They do other things that blow my mind as well. For example, I've seen Neighbor A take care of Neighbor B's kids -- all under the age of 7 -- for an entire weekend so that Neighbor B (husband and wife) could get away. On paper this seems so sensible and accessible. But to me, it feels unthinkable. My parents NEVER left us in the care of anyone else; they didn't pursue their own leisure or interests or go away for weekends. So to my brain this concept seems like it's filed in Wikipedia under Giant Imposition; basically, something so drastic you'd only ask if it were a life/death situation.
On the other hand, I'm confronting a few wrinkles with my own assumed approach. First, we live far away from school, so my kids need a responsible adult to drive them back and forth. Next, my husband and I both work during the days, yet someone needs to remain at home with the kids once school is over -- they're too young to be on their own. Last, and most important, my son has a challenging temperament (that's putting it politely) and also appears to have some learning differences which will require a steady degree of parental coaching, tutoring, supervision and assistance. Put all that together and working full-time seems like a strange choice -- it essentially means that I'd have my original day job, my new day job (tutor/coach/parent/advocate), and my less-new day and night job (parent/cook/launderer/chauffeur/activity organizer). That's three jobs in the same 24 hours with no commensurate increase in time off or benefits. Is that what we call fuzzy math?
So now I finally get why parents choose to stay home to support their kids and families -- so they can have 1 or 2 jobs instead of 3. Because you're not supposed to have 3 full-time jobs and do well at all of them.
It's a safe bet that nobody ever discussed this without being dismissive or blithe about the infeasibility of it all when I was going to graduate school, or at any of those somewhat vacuous career-development conferences for high-potential women that I attended. All they mentioned was "flex scheduling" which basically boiled down to working after dinner until very late at night just to keep your job; and getting a good nanny, or somehow manufacturing excellent in-laws who would effectively act as your kids' nanny. And at some level, at some age, this just doesn't work the way one might hope.
From the little I have been able to glean, it looks like they spend time socializing together, creating friendships, community and intimacy. Many of them are disciplined and smart enough to exercise regularly, too. All of them juggle scheduling, multiple school dropoffs/pickups, and choosing and supervising after-school activities. A lot of driving and carpooling is involved. And of course, there are all the family- and life-management activities to pull off every day and week -- meals, laundry, cleaning, caring for sick kids, reading, helping with homework and extracurriculars. They do other things that blow my mind as well. For example, I've seen Neighbor A take care of Neighbor B's kids -- all under the age of 7 -- for an entire weekend so that Neighbor B (husband and wife) could get away. On paper this seems so sensible and accessible. But to me, it feels unthinkable. My parents NEVER left us in the care of anyone else; they didn't pursue their own leisure or interests or go away for weekends. So to my brain this concept seems like it's filed in Wikipedia under Giant Imposition; basically, something so drastic you'd only ask if it were a life/death situation.
On the other hand, I'm confronting a few wrinkles with my own assumed approach. First, we live far away from school, so my kids need a responsible adult to drive them back and forth. Next, my husband and I both work during the days, yet someone needs to remain at home with the kids once school is over -- they're too young to be on their own. Last, and most important, my son has a challenging temperament (that's putting it politely) and also appears to have some learning differences which will require a steady degree of parental coaching, tutoring, supervision and assistance. Put all that together and working full-time seems like a strange choice -- it essentially means that I'd have my original day job, my new day job (tutor/coach/parent/advocate), and my less-new day and night job (parent/cook/launderer/chauffeur/activity organizer). That's three jobs in the same 24 hours with no commensurate increase in time off or benefits. Is that what we call fuzzy math?
So now I finally get why parents choose to stay home to support their kids and families -- so they can have 1 or 2 jobs instead of 3. Because you're not supposed to have 3 full-time jobs and do well at all of them.
It's a safe bet that nobody ever discussed this without being dismissive or blithe about the infeasibility of it all when I was going to graduate school, or at any of those somewhat vacuous career-development conferences for high-potential women that I attended. All they mentioned was "flex scheduling" which basically boiled down to working after dinner until very late at night just to keep your job; and getting a good nanny, or somehow manufacturing excellent in-laws who would effectively act as your kids' nanny. And at some level, at some age, this just doesn't work the way one might hope.
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