My Husband

I think I'm lucky that he chose me, and I him. He's patient and mature, forgiving and sincere. Kind, and excellent with our children. Very honest and straightforward. Loving to a fault. Always trying hard ... maybe too hard. At 47, he looks much as he did in his 30s except for the hair. He is handsome, distinguished, and funny. He is also terribly intelligent and even a little geeky. He can fix things himself -- I respect this more than anything. Amazingly, he is an excellent dancer. Enjoys good food and wine without being snarky about it. Loves travel and new experiences, and is also a homebody in a good way.

Did I say I think I'm lucky? I love being lucky.

Strange New World

More of the unexpected: constantly telling my son to pull up his pants ... telling my daughter to wipe her mouth and not pick her nose ... asking everyone if they need to use the bathroom ... being a food nazi and insisting on protein and vegetables all the time ... caring if their clothes match (people judge them by their appearance, I fear) ... caring if their hair is combed ... not caring if mine match/are combed ... forgetting to put on makeup for days at a time ... seeing my perfume bottles and thinking, "oh! maybe I should wear some perfume?" ... not putting time and effort into dressing Just So all the time ...

Some days I wish I had the time and energy to be the person I was in my 30s.

Some days I am grateful to have the chance to be someone different in my 40s.

Most days I am thankful to not give a damn what others think, not because I don't care about their opinions but because I care about my own a lot more.

It's a Part-Time Life

I changed responsibilities at work. Instead of working on the 5-year systems integration project (which is headed straight for a brick wall, in my opinion), I asked to be removed from it altogether. This is a first in my life. Normally I would have stuck it out until it was unhealthy all around, just because I don't like to leave things until they are completed. So that is a good change. I asked to be reassigned to a product resolution / organizational structure development role, for a product that is in the shits. I am glad to be working on something that needs my attention and experience; rather than a large program that is immune to external influence.

There are a couple of perfectly perfect twists here. First, there is no actual headcount for me, although there are consulting dollars to cover my costs for about 4 months. So if I can bring this to some level of closure in 4 months, I can write myself out of a job and into a position where consulting makes a lot more sense. Next, I asked to work 30 hours/week. Given the budget limits and lack of headcount, everyone is incented to have me work less and therefore cost less. Again, in 4 months I will be surprised if it's not a slam dunk for me to leave the company as an employee and become a consultant.

Did I mention that I am ecstatic to be working 30 hrs/ week instead of full-time? Interestingly, it gives me greater focus on the actual number of hours I am working. In turn, this causes me to try to work very efficiently M-Th, and let everything go on F-Su. Who cares what happens? Bernie Madoff bilked who knows how many people of out $50B, for heaven's sake! Whatever I do will pale in comparison.

On that extra day per week, I am going to put myself first and do some very needed things for my family so we can enjoy ourselves during the weekend.

YE 2008 Data

Before I forget, I'm jotting down some information about my kids as we close out 2008.

First, my son: very sensitive, creative and imaginative, heart-on-his-sleeve, transparent, cheerful and goofy, a bit serious. If I had to guess, INTJ. Loving Star Wars, Legos, Knex, rockets, science and all kinds of stories. Very visual/spatial. Adores movies, dance music and musical scores. Likes to believe he's going to be a rock star, mostly because he likes to "shake his booty" and sing loudly. His motto? "Hands up, Jedi!"

Next, my daughter: very sensitive, literal and sensate, manipulative, transparent, cheerful and goofy, not so serious. If I had to guess, ENFJ. Loving Darth Vader, Hot Wheels, motorcycles, her soft blankets and dolly, stuffed animals and all kinds of stories. Very auditory/sequential. Adores stories, 1:1 play acting and dance music. Likes to pretend she's going to be a doctor, so she can "fix" everyone. Her motto? "It issss your desssssstiny...."

I Wish The Apple Had Fallen Farther From Me, The Tree

Oh, life is strange. Who knew that my daughter would mistake the little red dachshunds on her flannel PJs for SCORPIONS ... and then violently disagree with me when I said, "wow, those are cute doggies on your PJs, honey"?

Also, who knew she would ask for a Darth Vader-themed birthday (her 3rd), especially since it was a joint celebration with her best friend from preschool who wanted Ariel, the Little Mermaid? The decorations looked festive, yet with that uniquely psychotic touch. She was dressed as Darth Vader for Halloween, 1 foot shorter than her brother who was also DV. For Christmas, she has requested a "Darth Vader doll" although I'm not sure what this actually means to her. Today she said she was going to ask Santa for a rocket that she could shoot off indoors. She does play a lot with cars, trucks, and such. She hugs her dolls a lot but also inflicts head injuries upon them, and callously tosses them aside to let their wounds coagulate.

All this is to say: I'm scared of her becoming a teenager.

Me First

As usual, I've been taking care of myself last. Somehow I am going to break this habit and replace it with something a lot better: taking care of myself FIRST for an entire month. When I accomplish that, I bet I can re-up for another month. And then another. And in a while, it will be a new and better habit.

I will exercise every other day.
I will get weekly massages to work out the tension and stress.
I will give myself time to read and blog every other day.
I will see friends twice a month.

The best part about Me First is that I've already started. As of January 2009, I will work part-time, 30 hrs per week. The 10 hrs available I will spend on me. Maybe one or two home errands, and the rest of the time doing Me First things such as exercise, biking, hiking, reading and spending time with my kids just for fun.

Expecting the Unexpected

Things I never expected to be part of my life ....

1. constipation - getting my 5 year old son to have daily bowel movements through the use of bribery, with a thin veneer of positive reinforcement. He earns marbles when he produces a BM; more when he does so without reminder, fewer when he is prodded by me, my husband or a teacher.
2. daytime wetting management - urine-soaked underwear and trousers on a daily basis, accompanied by the words, "I forgot" or "I didn't feel it". The alleged sensory loss was sudden, happened overnight, and exactly coincided with the beginning of kindergarten. Hmmm.
3. nighttime wetting - at the age of 5, and I've been told by my kids' pediatrician to expect it through age 6-7.

I also never thought I would be begging my husband to wake up, get out of bed, and help me get children dressed and fed, and with actual lunches made, by a specified time every M-F morning. It seems incredible but these things never occurred to me. I thought he would get up by himself and do these things without regular prodding. I guess I also never really thought about who would do these things in a family -- I certainly didn't assume it would be me, or me solo. In my limited imagination (having given these topics no attention) I suppose I thought my children would pop out of the womb fully self-sufficient.