I want to remember my thoughts and the process, so I'm writing down my list of "wouldn't it be great if....?" items.
a) I work 30 hours a week.
b) My work is professionally and personally fun, fulfilling, and draws on my natural strengths.
c) I work with fun, creative and ethical people who aren't too serious about themselves or their work.
d) My commute is 5 miles or less.
e) I am paid fairly and appropriately for my contributions, which means I am extremely well compensated.
f) I'm really proud of what I do, and my family knows this and appreciates it.
g) I can walk away from work at the end of the day, and not carry it around like bad emotional baggage.
h) I do actual work, rolling up my sleeves and getting it done, or personally guaranteeing its completion at a certain standard of performance. I don't do organizational politics, facilitation, change management or thought leadership. I just do really excellent, amazing work by being myself and doing what I do best.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Morning Pages
I'm a fan of Julia Cameron and her proposed method for breaking through creative block. The morning pages are a beast, though, because I have to go to bed EARLY to get them done. And when I do them, I feel a lot better. Clear-headed. Able to see straight and without any effort. Is it okay to do morning pages on the computer or does it have to be hand-written? I can see that handwriting the pages actually feels different mentally .... maybe that answers my question.
Tomorrow I can't wait to write my morning pages.
Tomorrow I can't wait to write my morning pages.
Excellent Moments
My daughter has recently become an affection monster. She's constantly hugging, patting and kissing me; flinging her arms around me with gusto. I had NO idea how addictive this would be. Really. Because my husband is very affectionate but she just puts him into the dust. It got me wondering ... what if everyone had somebody that was this affectionate to them each day? What if I were this affectionate to my family every day? What if I were more affectionate to my friends? Would they run screaming or would they feel .... well, loved? And would it be great from such an unexpected source?
I find I also can forgive her more quickly, easily and effortlessly because she is so open about her affection and it's so artless, so completely devoid of an agenda.
What if ... ?
I find I also can forgive her more quickly, easily and effortlessly because she is so open about her affection and it's so artless, so completely devoid of an agenda.
What if ... ?
One by One, Two by Two
Things I pulled off that seemed undoable:
... I got rid of the grill.
... I reduced the encroachment of kids' stuff (toys, books) into family living spaces by about 67%.
... I took about 8 bags of clothes and shoes to Goodwill, after postponing this for roughly a year.
... I got myself to exercise 5 days this week.
... I actually chose to put my preferences first, instead of last.
... I got rid of the grill.
... I reduced the encroachment of kids' stuff (toys, books) into family living spaces by about 67%.
... I took about 8 bags of clothes and shoes to Goodwill, after postponing this for roughly a year.
... I got myself to exercise 5 days this week.
... I actually chose to put my preferences first, instead of last.
I'm a Reeeeally Slow Learner
I'm 3 weeks into my leave of absence. Here's what I have observed so far:
1) I'm results-oriented to the point of being tiresome. Preferably instant results.
2) I'm a time fiend, always checking my watch and calculating how much I can get done in the always-insufficient time available. Then I try to mash it all in and wonder why I am stressed.
3) I could laugh a lot more. Like 98% more.
4) I'm honestly burnt out from my current organization. It's a combination of being stifled personally (in communication and in creativity or experimentation) and not being respected or credited for results that I produced.
5) I love endorphins. Because I haven't exercised my body or built up my strength in the last 4 years, I'd completely forgotten about endorphins.
6) It's okay to contribute to your family by making everyone happy instead of making significant career or professional progress, or even money. Despite the deep and deepening recession, sometimes happiness is the best product.
7) I'm starting to think more solidly about what kind of life I want to have lived when I'm facing my last breaths. No flippant comments; I'm really facing the matter now. How do I want my husband and kids to think of me? How do I want to think of myself? What is really important to have accomplished and to have said, "no thanks, I'll pass" to?
8) I'm pretty sure it's not going to be okay to do anything where I can't really be myself. Fully. My zany, offbeat, wisecracking, outspoken, profane, passionate, compassionate, hard-nosed, c'mon c'mon c'mon let's GO damn it self. The one who says the emperor has no clothes about 9 minutes into the meeting.
9) A very insightful friend told me today, "your kids aren't going to be young forever, you know". I think he was trying to say that I should make them a priority while it might really matter, and while they might actually WANT to spend time with me. Because when they turn 11 I think they just want an ATM and a chauffeur.
10) I'm scared out of my mind that I might not figure out what I want to do in a way that I could actually do it, in a practical sense, and make a career and living out of it. It's good to admit this fear.
1) I'm results-oriented to the point of being tiresome. Preferably instant results.
2) I'm a time fiend, always checking my watch and calculating how much I can get done in the always-insufficient time available. Then I try to mash it all in and wonder why I am stressed.
3) I could laugh a lot more. Like 98% more.
4) I'm honestly burnt out from my current organization. It's a combination of being stifled personally (in communication and in creativity or experimentation) and not being respected or credited for results that I produced.
5) I love endorphins. Because I haven't exercised my body or built up my strength in the last 4 years, I'd completely forgotten about endorphins.
6) It's okay to contribute to your family by making everyone happy instead of making significant career or professional progress, or even money. Despite the deep and deepening recession, sometimes happiness is the best product.
7) I'm starting to think more solidly about what kind of life I want to have lived when I'm facing my last breaths. No flippant comments; I'm really facing the matter now. How do I want my husband and kids to think of me? How do I want to think of myself? What is really important to have accomplished and to have said, "no thanks, I'll pass" to?
8) I'm pretty sure it's not going to be okay to do anything where I can't really be myself. Fully. My zany, offbeat, wisecracking, outspoken, profane, passionate, compassionate, hard-nosed, c'mon c'mon c'mon let's GO damn it self. The one who says the emperor has no clothes about 9 minutes into the meeting.
9) A very insightful friend told me today, "your kids aren't going to be young forever, you know". I think he was trying to say that I should make them a priority while it might really matter, and while they might actually WANT to spend time with me. Because when they turn 11 I think they just want an ATM and a chauffeur.
10) I'm scared out of my mind that I might not figure out what I want to do in a way that I could actually do it, in a practical sense, and make a career and living out of it. It's good to admit this fear.
Monday, June 1, 2009
More Milestones in Early 2009
My son finally started using the toilet for BMs without a ton of prompting, threats, pleas and other verbal interventions. First, at home. Next, at school. And now, at other kids' houses and restaurants. Sometimes even at the park. This probably sounds ridiculous but believe me, we went through 2 years of constipation, tears and terror. It's a huge slab of progress.
He also started going #1 in the toilet -- as opposed to his underwear -- during times of high entertainment. Previously he seemed to consider use of the toilet for the petty, the small-minded, the uncreative. When in the midst of innovating and designing the world's coolest Lego Transformer Scooter Ship, why use the indoor plumbing when you could just ... go in your underwear? Heck. After 6 months of concerted effort, he is definitely making some progress. He does best when he's with us or on the weekends, and is not caught up in play with his friends. He does less well when he's in engaged in lightsaber battles. This summer he has a very very large carrot and a smaller but noticeable stick. The carrot is a Count Dooku limited edition Lego spaceship. The stick is the loss of marbles for each infraction, and a lengthening of the required "dry" time period to earn the spaceship.
He also started going #1 in the toilet -- as opposed to his underwear -- during times of high entertainment. Previously he seemed to consider use of the toilet for the petty, the small-minded, the uncreative. When in the midst of innovating and designing the world's coolest Lego Transformer Scooter Ship, why use the indoor plumbing when you could just ... go in your underwear? Heck. After 6 months of concerted effort, he is definitely making some progress. He does best when he's with us or on the weekends, and is not caught up in play with his friends. He does less well when he's in engaged in lightsaber battles. This summer he has a very very large carrot and a smaller but noticeable stick. The carrot is a Count Dooku limited edition Lego spaceship. The stick is the loss of marbles for each infraction, and a lengthening of the required "dry" time period to earn the spaceship.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Reflections
My son .... needs to feel success, ownership, responsibility. Also probably needs some coaching in how to stand up for himself more. I keep reminding myself he's a young fellow, and not to be either too hard on him or expect too much, too soon. I am proud that he did what he could at his first soccer game today, especially in the 90+ degree heat.
I would like to spend time with him each day doing something he enjoys AND needs to learn. The list is bewilderingly long. Guitar? Soccer? Throwing and catching balls? Reading? Writing? Spelling? Where am I going to find that time?
Also starting to think about our eventual home/work/school location, which may be in Palo Alto or thereabouts, for sheer convenience. By this time next year, I suppose we will want to have made the move. Am freaked out by the idea of leaving the only family home we've ever had; the place we brought both of our kids home to from the hospital; from our neighborhood and the people we know. Am equally dismayed at the idea of a 17 mile commute north to SF for work/preschool, and a 20 mile commute south to PA for elementary school events.
Lastly, have even begun to reconsider the childcare situation. Managing another employee is stressful, particularly on top of responding to the doctors, the dentists, the coaches, the teachers, the other parents, all of whom generate requests and inquiries because of our kids' lives. I'd be a lot happier if I could just ... not have this extra person to manage. I am ashamed to say it because I realize how totally ungrateful I am being. I'm lucky to be able to afford the help financially; I guess I'm seeing that I might be less able to afford the other requirements, such as the patience and energy to manage and direct this person.
It's a time for looking at alternatives and different paths.
I would like to spend time with him each day doing something he enjoys AND needs to learn. The list is bewilderingly long. Guitar? Soccer? Throwing and catching balls? Reading? Writing? Spelling? Where am I going to find that time?
Also starting to think about our eventual home/work/school location, which may be in Palo Alto or thereabouts, for sheer convenience. By this time next year, I suppose we will want to have made the move. Am freaked out by the idea of leaving the only family home we've ever had; the place we brought both of our kids home to from the hospital; from our neighborhood and the people we know. Am equally dismayed at the idea of a 17 mile commute north to SF for work/preschool, and a 20 mile commute south to PA for elementary school events.
Lastly, have even begun to reconsider the childcare situation. Managing another employee is stressful, particularly on top of responding to the doctors, the dentists, the coaches, the teachers, the other parents, all of whom generate requests and inquiries because of our kids' lives. I'd be a lot happier if I could just ... not have this extra person to manage. I am ashamed to say it because I realize how totally ungrateful I am being. I'm lucky to be able to afford the help financially; I guess I'm seeing that I might be less able to afford the other requirements, such as the patience and energy to manage and direct this person.
It's a time for looking at alternatives and different paths.
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