My Husband

I think I'm lucky that he chose me, and I him. He's patient and mature, forgiving and sincere. Kind, and excellent with our children. Very honest and straightforward. Loving to a fault. Always trying hard ... maybe too hard. At 47, he looks much as he did in his 30s except for the hair. He is handsome, distinguished, and funny. He is also terribly intelligent and even a little geeky. He can fix things himself -- I respect this more than anything. Amazingly, he is an excellent dancer. Enjoys good food and wine without being snarky about it. Loves travel and new experiences, and is also a homebody in a good way.

Did I say I think I'm lucky? I love being lucky.

Strange New World

More of the unexpected: constantly telling my son to pull up his pants ... telling my daughter to wipe her mouth and not pick her nose ... asking everyone if they need to use the bathroom ... being a food nazi and insisting on protein and vegetables all the time ... caring if their clothes match (people judge them by their appearance, I fear) ... caring if their hair is combed ... not caring if mine match/are combed ... forgetting to put on makeup for days at a time ... seeing my perfume bottles and thinking, "oh! maybe I should wear some perfume?" ... not putting time and effort into dressing Just So all the time ...

Some days I wish I had the time and energy to be the person I was in my 30s.

Some days I am grateful to have the chance to be someone different in my 40s.

Most days I am thankful to not give a damn what others think, not because I don't care about their opinions but because I care about my own a lot more.

It's a Part-Time Life

I changed responsibilities at work. Instead of working on the 5-year systems integration project (which is headed straight for a brick wall, in my opinion), I asked to be removed from it altogether. This is a first in my life. Normally I would have stuck it out until it was unhealthy all around, just because I don't like to leave things until they are completed. So that is a good change. I asked to be reassigned to a product resolution / organizational structure development role, for a product that is in the shits. I am glad to be working on something that needs my attention and experience; rather than a large program that is immune to external influence.

There are a couple of perfectly perfect twists here. First, there is no actual headcount for me, although there are consulting dollars to cover my costs for about 4 months. So if I can bring this to some level of closure in 4 months, I can write myself out of a job and into a position where consulting makes a lot more sense. Next, I asked to work 30 hours/week. Given the budget limits and lack of headcount, everyone is incented to have me work less and therefore cost less. Again, in 4 months I will be surprised if it's not a slam dunk for me to leave the company as an employee and become a consultant.

Did I mention that I am ecstatic to be working 30 hrs/ week instead of full-time? Interestingly, it gives me greater focus on the actual number of hours I am working. In turn, this causes me to try to work very efficiently M-Th, and let everything go on F-Su. Who cares what happens? Bernie Madoff bilked who knows how many people of out $50B, for heaven's sake! Whatever I do will pale in comparison.

On that extra day per week, I am going to put myself first and do some very needed things for my family so we can enjoy ourselves during the weekend.

YE 2008 Data

Before I forget, I'm jotting down some information about my kids as we close out 2008.

First, my son: very sensitive, creative and imaginative, heart-on-his-sleeve, transparent, cheerful and goofy, a bit serious. If I had to guess, INTJ. Loving Star Wars, Legos, Knex, rockets, science and all kinds of stories. Very visual/spatial. Adores movies, dance music and musical scores. Likes to believe he's going to be a rock star, mostly because he likes to "shake his booty" and sing loudly. His motto? "Hands up, Jedi!"

Next, my daughter: very sensitive, literal and sensate, manipulative, transparent, cheerful and goofy, not so serious. If I had to guess, ENFJ. Loving Darth Vader, Hot Wheels, motorcycles, her soft blankets and dolly, stuffed animals and all kinds of stories. Very auditory/sequential. Adores stories, 1:1 play acting and dance music. Likes to pretend she's going to be a doctor, so she can "fix" everyone. Her motto? "It issss your desssssstiny...."

I Wish The Apple Had Fallen Farther From Me, The Tree

Oh, life is strange. Who knew that my daughter would mistake the little red dachshunds on her flannel PJs for SCORPIONS ... and then violently disagree with me when I said, "wow, those are cute doggies on your PJs, honey"?

Also, who knew she would ask for a Darth Vader-themed birthday (her 3rd), especially since it was a joint celebration with her best friend from preschool who wanted Ariel, the Little Mermaid? The decorations looked festive, yet with that uniquely psychotic touch. She was dressed as Darth Vader for Halloween, 1 foot shorter than her brother who was also DV. For Christmas, she has requested a "Darth Vader doll" although I'm not sure what this actually means to her. Today she said she was going to ask Santa for a rocket that she could shoot off indoors. She does play a lot with cars, trucks, and such. She hugs her dolls a lot but also inflicts head injuries upon them, and callously tosses them aside to let their wounds coagulate.

All this is to say: I'm scared of her becoming a teenager.

Me First

As usual, I've been taking care of myself last. Somehow I am going to break this habit and replace it with something a lot better: taking care of myself FIRST for an entire month. When I accomplish that, I bet I can re-up for another month. And then another. And in a while, it will be a new and better habit.

I will exercise every other day.
I will get weekly massages to work out the tension and stress.
I will give myself time to read and blog every other day.
I will see friends twice a month.

The best part about Me First is that I've already started. As of January 2009, I will work part-time, 30 hrs per week. The 10 hrs available I will spend on me. Maybe one or two home errands, and the rest of the time doing Me First things such as exercise, biking, hiking, reading and spending time with my kids just for fun.

Expecting the Unexpected

Things I never expected to be part of my life ....

1. constipation - getting my 5 year old son to have daily bowel movements through the use of bribery, with a thin veneer of positive reinforcement. He earns marbles when he produces a BM; more when he does so without reminder, fewer when he is prodded by me, my husband or a teacher.
2. daytime wetting management - urine-soaked underwear and trousers on a daily basis, accompanied by the words, "I forgot" or "I didn't feel it". The alleged sensory loss was sudden, happened overnight, and exactly coincided with the beginning of kindergarten. Hmmm.
3. nighttime wetting - at the age of 5, and I've been told by my kids' pediatrician to expect it through age 6-7.

I also never thought I would be begging my husband to wake up, get out of bed, and help me get children dressed and fed, and with actual lunches made, by a specified time every M-F morning. It seems incredible but these things never occurred to me. I thought he would get up by himself and do these things without regular prodding. I guess I also never really thought about who would do these things in a family -- I certainly didn't assume it would be me, or me solo. In my limited imagination (having given these topics no attention) I suppose I thought my children would pop out of the womb fully self-sufficient.

Wading Gently Into The Elementary Education Ocean

We received a recommendation for a speech & language therapist for my son. Apparently the docs think he'd do well to learn reading and writing via the Slingerland method. Tomorrow I'm going to try to talk to the therapist and learn more about this approach, its benefits, and so forth. I'm also going to talk to the private schools where we have applications pending, to see if they teach in this method.

It's scary out here in parenthood. I don't mind experimenting with my life, but I am not enjoying the feeling that I am doing so with my kids'. Maybe I need to create a more reassuring frame of reference.

Back In The Saddle

Refreshed from my respite from family life, I realize I should take care of myself better. I'd be a lot more fun to be with, that's for sure. And a lot nicer to my family. Sigh. So if I meditate a bit more often ... reflect on the things I love about my husband and kids ... and exercise regularly ... maybe I would smile and laugh more. Yeah, it's not rocket science.

On Friday before I left, my son had a meltdown about his new nanny. He seemed to be confused about her role in our family, and whether she was his "new mommy" or similar. It never occurred to me that this might be a question in his mind, yet looking back I feel like an idiot for not thinking of it. So we addressed it, and it looks like we are back on track. His nanny is turning out to be a rock star. Attentive, observant, sensitive, intelligent, playful, consistent and firm. She's friendly, fun, energetic and has great values. I am thrilled!

This month I am going to practice some new stuff.

First, just for kicks, I'm going to stop myself when I feel guilty about not working long hours. Imagine that. Because after working incessantly and over-delivering on results for the last 28 years, I think I can throttle it back a notch.

Next, I am actually going to meditate to those fabulous Jon Kabat-Zinn guided meditation CDs at home. Those would be the ones I've been playing in my car (don't laugh) while fighting bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic. Yes, I actually thought I could pull off a "sitting meditation" on the 101 at 5:30 pm on a Monday. Yes, I'm obviously insane.

Last, I am going to institute some more family rituals. They sound trivial but when your family doesn't have rituals -- and mine is short on them -- it makes sense to start. For example: hugs and kisses to everyone/from everyone upon waking, leaving the house, and returning. Be the first one to kiss and hug my husband when he comes home from work. Good night kiss and hug to him as well, although I often sack out at 9 pm while he's working past midnight. Sunday night family dinner in the formal dining room with proper china and silverware for everyone. With the holidays coming, more opportunities to create new rituals for ourselves rather than rely on old ones from our parents' families.

All of this comes under the general headline: a fresh start with renewed vigor.

Taking a Break in Sonoma

"I'm on break." Love the way that sounds. So 1950's! But you know what? I'm on break for the whole weekend. Why? Well, in October my husband had a 13-day business trip overseas and it nearly did the kids in. We powered through, but I was very emotionally and physically tired when he returned. So this weekend I am refilling my energy tank here in Sonoma by myself. Lots of rest, unscheduled time, and no need to plan or multi-task whatsoever. For a mother of two young children, this is almost an obscene pleasure.

Right now I'm going to talk a little walk outside, grab a cinnamon bun, and browse in a bookstore -- and I will be enjoying every single second of it.

My husband deserves an enormous thank-you for being so cheerful and uncomplaining when I announced I was decamping for a weekend. THANK YOU!!!

Proud and Happy About Change And Possibility

Change has indeed come to America! It hardly feels real! My heart is so full it aches: "the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope ..." and at last we have leadership and vision again. Thanks to our citizenry for voting and believing in the power of participation.

New Milestones ... A Nanny and An Initial Diagnosis

Last week we signed a contract with a nanny and yesterday was her first day of work. I'm sure that for many families in our area, this is a major non-event. For me, it represents a significant expression of trust -- bringing a stranger into our family home, sharing the care of our children, building a partnership to support our kids in raising them responsibly and appropriately. I think we got off to a terrific start, and nonetheless, I feel scared. Apprehensive. Wondering how it will all work out. I guess this is one of those things that literally The Journey, and not An Outcome.

Yesterday we also received initial diagnostic information about my son regarding possible learning differences. He's the most interesting, engaging and sensitive kid; creative, sensitive and gregarious. Just delightful. Nobody should be surprised that a mother believes this of her firstborn. But I'm probably more opinionated than most! We heard lots of stuff from the professionals. Some of it made sense, and some of it raised more questions vs. resolving them; at least in my mind. They said -- nix the private schools, stay at the public one, work with a pathologist after school, it will all come together and we should check back in three years to mark progress.

Now. The one thing I've learned, in my five measly years of parenting, is to trust my gut when it's calling loudly. And she is a-callin'. She says, "get 2nd and 3rd opinions; don't take their advice at face value; think hard and sleep on it; and do what you think is best." I am going to do just that. No more listening to the professionals without also applying my best judgment. I think I'm a professional too -- as my kid's mother and as a working professional in my field.

Yes, We CAN! I Believe In Democracy Again

Today I found faith. The most important election of our lives, given what's been lost and what we've suffered in the last 2 administrations, and America made it over the racial divide. I never thought I would see this in my lifetime and I am unbelievably grateful. Now my kids have a President that they can identify with, and perhaps with this, the beginning of the end of racial marginalization can take hold.

Thank you, American voters, for showing up and letting your voices be heard; your ballots be counted. Thank you for restoring my belief in my country. It is has been a long drought and a disheartening 8 years. I feel pride in being American again.

Post-Halloween

Halloween's not been my favorite holiday, but with young kids it takes on a meaning beyond cavities. It's really fun to see the effect of their active imaginations. Nice to leave behind the facts. Makes you realize how dull facts can get ... and wonder why we try so hard to pursue them as adults. Is it because our brains can't handle the breadth and depth of what our imaginations can produce?

My kids are now old enough to be motivated by the possibility of eating candy. My husband and I are shamelessly trading on this development. That, and Santa Claus's allegedly unpredictable temperament may be our primary behavioral levers until the New Year. Tonight, I convinced my son to eat 2 bites each of his roasted chicken and potatoes using both to create the specter of doubt. I'm pretty sure a host of respected child development authorities would tell me that I am doing wrong by my kids. I am going to try to live with the guilt.

My daughter refused to eat her 2 bites of each dish, so she had a bath and went to bed pretty hungry. Breakfast is in the morning. Note to self: get up early tomorrow and make coffee so I am ready to handle Ms. Linda Blair/Exorcist with the empty stomach.

Halloween Down, Thanksgiving To Go

I've always kept a journal - I love writing, my memory's going and it's therapeutic. Can't find the time anymore. By the time I put pen to paper I'm asleep ... in bed, at the computer, maybe even at the kitchen table? Yet I want to keep notes about my kids, my family, my hopes and dreams for me and for us, and about random things that bring color to life. Ergo, this blog.