Oh-Kay ... Breathe Slowly, Deeply, and Gently

I'm learning to be mindful of what I wish for. Not careful or cautious, just aware. Very aware.

Let's look backward a few months.

In April, I was feeling burned out at work. So much so that I thought of asking for a leave of absence to get back to normal.

In May, I decided to do this, even though the economy was in a deep recession and my job would be up for grabs.

In June, I began my leave of absence and started to take care of myself and my family. After 7 years' hiatus, I started exercising regularly, fixed some big ugly patches in my garden, and restored my children's room to order.

In July, my husband had to go overseas for about 3 weeks. Since I was at home, I was able to devote a lot of time to caring for my kids, giving them extra TLC, making special meals, and organizing and taking them on fun excursions to lessen the blow of missing Daddy. Realized that by next year, we would need to move to Palo Alto to be closer to school for both kids, and to the office for my husband. I would not be able to continue working in San Francisco. Thanks to MLS, I was able to familiarize myself with available house inventory, prices, neighborhoods, etc.

In August, I supported my kids and transitioned them into new schools. Started meeting the other parents at these schools and began the process of joining new communities. Asked to be considered as a backup Room Parent at my son's school. Never expected this to occur, given the lateness of my request. Within in a week, I was appointed as a Room Parent. Kept watching MLS to see what kinds of houses and prices we could expect to buy next year.

In September, our family started the Giant Bi-Directional Commute. Husband and son to the south Peninsula; myself and daughter to San Francisco. We let our nanny go, since my son's school hours ended in the mid/late afternoon, with an excellent after-school program. Huge $ savings, and even bigger stress reduction -- no need to manage her any more. Actually dismissing her took a significant amount of time, negotiation and effort. Apparently she didn't realize that the recession is a reality and people don't want to pay $$ for little to no work. In terms of my health, still exercising thanks to the Dailey Method and Bar Method. Lots of home maintenance and cooking. Realized I needed to return to work for my own satisfaction, but felt no enthusiasm for returning to my old company. Read the writing on the wall, i.e. would be best off working as an independent consultant. Figured I would deal with that in November. In the meantime, decided to interview and select real estate agent so we could start getting informed about the market in a more specific way. Asked for referrals and was pointed to a very proactive agent with 30+ years' experience in the neighborhoods we had targeted. Both kids getting used to new schools, teachers, classmates, cultures. Son has a bit of homework every night. Daughter's class is less directive; more self-initiated. Lots of changes.

Mid-September, I had my first meeting with our real estate agent. In one day, she showed me all of the available inventory meeting our criteria ... exactly 4 houses. That's right. Good news -- don't have to look at and think about 80 houses. Bad news -- there are only 4 houses in our range! Good news -- I only really liked one of them.

Two days later, my husband went to look at those same houses. He had the same opinion.

Two days after that, we took our whole family to look at those houses. My kids thought the whole thing was an odd morning excursion but went with the flow. My husband and I agreed that the original house we liked was still the front-runner for location and livability. We decided to make an offer. This is now Sunday night.

On Monday, we made a formal offer.

On Wednesday, we received a counteroffer.

On Thursday, we made a counteroffer.

On Saturday, we received another counteroffer.

On Sunday, we made a counteroffer with two options, showing that this was our best and final offer.

That Sunday, our offer was accepted. September 27th, just 11 days after I first met the real estate agent.

Now we are moving money around to enable the purchase. Putting together financing so we don't have to wait 6 months to get a mortgage -- new banking rules ... who knew? Trying to close by next Friday, a total of 12 calendar days.

There's more.

This past Saturday (one day before our house negotiations ended) my neighbor brought up a potential consulting gig with a highly-regarded biotech company. And guess what ... for the right person, they would consider a part-time role. Amazing. An opportunity.

After months of dilly-dallying, we'd ordered a new car to replace my 14-yr old vehicle in which my very tall husband has never really fit. Thought it would arrive in November or December. Turns out it's coming in the middle of October.

After months of procrastinating, we'd ordered 3 new windows for our kitchen. Thought they'd arrive in November or December. Turns out they're coming on October 19th and will installed shortly thereafter.

What other things are now underway from this initial waterfall of change? Let's see ... looking for Palo Alto preschool openings for my daughter. Right.... One of the parents at my son's school told me about a great Montessori nearby. She thinks they might be expanding classroom space and perhaps could take new students. Another parent offered to make a warm introduction to the school and its director. Yet another friend offered to help get my daughter into a Reggio Emilia method preschool where she is a co-founder. Incredible. So many helping hands.

Getting bids from movers. Starting the process of selling our current home. Thinking about all the things we probably should sell or get rid of before we move. Being invited to block parties to meet our future neighbors.

In June, this all seemed like a far-off future. No way would I have believed that we would be preparing to move before spring of 2010 at the earliest. It just goes to show that when you push on boulders, don't be surprised when they suddenly start to roll. Because you were pushing, remember?

Newsflash: September 2009

My daughter's preschool teacher informed me that her favorite activity, thus far, is Snack Table. That's right. She likes to hang out at the snack table for 45 minutes at a time and chat it up with her classmates. Apparently this has been well and good for the last month, but the school now feels it's time to branch out into other areas -- like drawing, painting, doing puzzles, playing with blocks, etc. So she's going to be kicked out of Snack Time dalliance for a while. Perhaps in her adulthood she'll be able to support herself somehow while also pursuing Cafe Life in Paris.

Why It's Never Occurred To Me To Stay At Home

In the same vein, it seems inevitable that I would be a working mother. Both of my parents worked full-time until retirement, and I never had a babysitter. My dad worked in the morning and my mom worked in the evening. I came home from school just as my mom was leaving the house to go to the hospital. My sister and I were latchkey kids. So when I had my own kids it never occurred to me that I'd do anything except take them to school in the morning and pick them up in the evening, feed them dinner, help with homework and get them in bed. However, in my affluent SF suburb, the stay-at-home alternative had clearly occurred to a lot of other families. They may have had that experience themselves, growing up. I've watched neighbors and friends spend their days in ways I can scarcely understand because I'm so unfamiliar with what it's like to be a full-time parent.

From the little I have been able to glean, it looks like they spend time socializing together, creating friendships, community and intimacy. Many of them are disciplined and smart enough to exercise regularly, too. All of them juggle scheduling, multiple school dropoffs/pickups, and choosing and supervising after-school activities. A lot of driving and carpooling is involved. And of course, there are all the family- and life-management activities to pull off every day and week -- meals, laundry, cleaning, caring for sick kids, reading, helping with homework and extracurriculars. They do other things that blow my mind as well. For example, I've seen Neighbor A take care of Neighbor B's kids -- all under the age of 7 -- for an entire weekend so that Neighbor B (husband and wife) could get away. On paper this seems so sensible and accessible. But to me, it feels unthinkable. My parents NEVER left us in the care of anyone else; they didn't pursue their own leisure or interests or go away for weekends. So to my brain this concept seems like it's filed in Wikipedia under Giant Imposition; basically, something so drastic you'd only ask if it were a life/death situation.

On the other hand, I'm confronting a few wrinkles with my own assumed approach. First, we live far away from school, so my kids need a responsible adult to drive them back and forth. Next, my husband and I both work during the days, yet someone needs to remain at home with the kids once school is over -- they're too young to be on their own. Last, and most important, my son has a challenging temperament (that's putting it politely) and also appears to have some learning differences which will require a steady degree of parental coaching, tutoring, supervision and assistance. Put all that together and working full-time seems like a strange choice -- it essentially means that I'd have my original day job, my new day job (tutor/coach/parent/advocate), and my less-new day and night job (parent/cook/launderer/chauffeur/activity organizer). That's three jobs in the same 24 hours with no commensurate increase in time off or benefits. Is that what we call fuzzy math?

So now I finally get why parents choose to stay home to support their kids and families -- so they can have 1 or 2 jobs instead of 3. Because you're not supposed to have 3 full-time jobs and do well at all of them.

It's a safe bet that nobody ever discussed this without being dismissive or blithe about the infeasibility of it all when I was going to graduate school, or at any of those somewhat vacuous career-development conferences for high-potential women that I attended. All they mentioned was "flex scheduling" which basically boiled down to working after dinner until very late at night just to keep your job; and getting a good nanny, or somehow manufacturing excellent in-laws who would effectively act as your kids' nanny. And at some level, at some age, this just doesn't work the way one might hope.

Parenting Without A Specifc Role Model (aka Figuring It Out As I Go)

Over the last couple of months I've begun to see why I struggle so much with parenting. Relationships with my children, our roles/responsibilities, traditions, expectations, communication methods, discipline ... I don't think I manage these matters very positively. At least, my process and results probably don't bear close scrutiny. One reason may be that I am trying to be a quite different parent from my own mother and father. This seems so obvious and simplistic, and I'm only now realizing how far-reaching the implications are. Consider the following:

• Playing with my kids. I don't have much idea of what to do or how to do it because it's been 40 years since I was a kid and my parents didn't play games with me. Chess doesn't count. My parents taught me to read, write, do math and learn science. So I am literally unaware of games that most other people know -- card games, board games, ask-questions-in-the-car games.
• Family-friendly and kid-friendly outings. Again, I don't have much to draw upon here. Growing up, we went on picnics and hikes. We didn't go to the zoo, the circus, ball games or sporting events. We didn't go to fairs or carnivals, or beaches and boardwalks. I attended a lot of classical concerts and occasionally we went to the movies. So when it comes to figuring out what to do with my own kids, I'm sort of stymied.
• Interacting with my kids. My parents were typical of their generation, expecting silence and obedience from us. This doesn't work as well in 2009 since society and schools have migrated toward a more mutually-interactive model where kids get more say in their lives. When we're all calm and feeling cooperative, this isn't an issue. Under pressure, however, I regress to yelling, lecturing and threats. You can imagine that this approach doesn't produce desired or desirable results.
  
• Traditions. I don't remember any meaningful traditions in our family that we either brought from Korea or created ourselves. My parents were working so hard to make a living and to educate us that this whole part of life seems to have fallen to the wayside. As a result, I have no memories to fall back on during holidays and other major events for what to do or how to do it. Inventing from scratch is exhausting and stressful; and trying to create a connection to Korean traditions feels quite out of reach. My husband's family celebrated events in great detail and specificity. While half of me longs to continue those traditions, the other half of me feels completely left out in the process, as though I were trying on someone else's clothes and personality just to seem like I'm part of the group.

I don't blame my parents for the choices they made. I'm simply struck by how (adult) achievement-oriented my childhood was (piano, math, reading, writing, science) and how little time we spent in bonding or creating memories through family habits and traditions. So when I observe my friends with their families decorating elaborate Easter Eggs with paint and wax; creating home-made birthday parties with decor, favors, games and prizes; making certain foods at holidays with such surety; marking certain life milestones with established activities -- I'm envious of their ability to decide and act with such confidence and practice.

I Think I'm A Slow Learner

This summer I've learned a few things about my capabilities and limits. Because I've been living with tunnel vision for a while, I failed to notice these things earlier. It's worrisome because the natural next question is, "So what other (incredibly obvious and important) things have I also failed to notice?" Anyway. Here goes.

Capabilities:

1. Scheduling and multi-tasking. Apparently I'm a natural at mentally organizing and sequencing events, activities and tasks to get them completed efficiently and/or meeting at a common end time. I can also cook, clean rooms, do laundry and answer emails without feeling strain.
2. Getting places on time. I'm good at figuring out what time to leave Pt A so as to arrive at Pt B at an appointed time.
   
3. Finishing what I start. I started a lot of things this summer, such as room-cleanout, unused item donation, 2 years' of artwork archival and getting the garden to look better. Those are all done.

Limits:

1. Maintenance. Once I've built something or birthed a prototype, I lose a lot of interest. For me, it's all about the initiation, maybe up to 2nd draft. After that, someone else needs to take over.
2. Playfulness and having a light touch. From observing random children recently, I'd guess that I used to be pretty playful. But somewhere along the last 44 years I have lost grasp of this ability. I'm pretty heavy-handed and lecturing seems to come naturally to me. Some days I don't want to hang out with myself, but suspect that dissociation would only make things worse.

Yikes.

What I Know So Far (July 10)

I want to remember my thoughts and the process, so I'm writing down my list of "wouldn't it be great if....?" items.

a) I work 30 hours a week.

b) My work is professionally and personally fun, fulfilling, and draws on my natural strengths.

c) I work with fun, creative and ethical people who aren't too serious about themselves or their work.

d) My commute is 5 miles or less.

e) I am paid fairly and appropriately for my contributions, which means I am extremely well compensated.

f) I'm really proud of what I do, and my family knows this and appreciates it.

g) I can walk away from work at the end of the day, and not carry it around like bad emotional baggage.

h) I do actual work, rolling up my sleeves and getting it done, or personally guaranteeing its completion at a certain standard of performance. I don't do organizational politics, facilitation, change management or thought leadership. I just do really excellent, amazing work by being myself and doing what I do best.

Morning Pages

I'm a fan of Julia Cameron and her proposed method for breaking through creative block. The morning pages are a beast, though, because I have to go to bed EARLY to get them done. And when I do them, I feel a lot better. Clear-headed. Able to see straight and without any effort. Is it okay to do morning pages on the computer or does it have to be hand-written? I can see that handwriting the pages actually feels different mentally .... maybe that answers my question.

Tomorrow I can't wait to write my morning pages.

Excellent Moments

My daughter has recently become an affection monster. She's constantly hugging, patting and kissing me; flinging her arms around me with gusto. I had NO idea how addictive this would be. Really. Because my husband is very affectionate but she just puts him into the dust. It got me wondering ... what if everyone had somebody that was this affectionate to them each day? What if I were this affectionate to my family every day? What if I were more affectionate to my friends? Would they run screaming or would they feel .... well, loved? And would it be great from such an unexpected source?

I find I also can forgive her more quickly, easily and effortlessly because she is so open about her affection and it's so artless, so completely devoid of an agenda.

What if ... ?

One by One, Two by Two

Things I pulled off that seemed undoable:

... I got rid of the grill.
... I reduced the encroachment of kids' stuff (toys, books) into family living spaces by about 67%.
... I took about 8 bags of clothes and shoes to Goodwill, after postponing this for roughly a year.
... I got myself to exercise 5 days this week.
... I actually chose to put my preferences first, instead of last.

I'm a Reeeeally Slow Learner

I'm 3 weeks into my leave of absence. Here's what I have observed so far:

1) I'm results-oriented to the point of being tiresome. Preferably instant results.

2) I'm a time fiend, always checking my watch and calculating how much I can get done in the always-insufficient time available. Then I try to mash it all in and wonder why I am stressed.

3) I could laugh a lot more. Like 98% more.

4) I'm honestly burnt out from my current organization. It's a combination of being stifled personally (in communication and in creativity or experimentation) and not being respected or credited for results that I produced.

5) I love endorphins. Because I haven't exercised my body or built up my strength in the last 4 years, I'd completely forgotten about endorphins.

6) It's okay to contribute to your family by making everyone happy instead of making significant career or professional progress, or even money. Despite the deep and deepening recession, sometimes happiness is the best product.

7) I'm starting to think more solidly about what kind of life I want to have lived when I'm facing my last breaths. No flippant comments; I'm really facing the matter now. How do I want my husband and kids to think of me? How do I want to think of myself? What is really important to have accomplished and to have said, "no thanks, I'll pass" to?

8) I'm pretty sure it's not going to be okay to do anything where I can't really be myself. Fully. My zany, offbeat, wisecracking, outspoken, profane, passionate, compassionate, hard-nosed, c'mon c'mon c'mon let's GO damn it self. The one who says the emperor has no clothes about 9 minutes into the meeting.

9) A very insightful friend told me today, "your kids aren't going to be young forever, you know". I think he was trying to say that I should make them a priority while it might really matter, and while they might actually WANT to spend time with me. Because when they turn 11 I think they just want an ATM and a chauffeur.

10) I'm scared out of my mind that I might not figure out what I want to do in a way that I could actually do it, in a practical sense, and make a career and living out of it. It's good to admit this fear.

More Milestones in Early 2009

My son finally started using the toilet for BMs without a ton of prompting, threats, pleas and other verbal interventions. First, at home. Next, at school. And now, at other kids' houses and restaurants. Sometimes even at the park. This probably sounds ridiculous but believe me, we went through 2 years of constipation, tears and terror. It's a huge slab of progress.

He also started going #1 in the toilet -- as opposed to his underwear -- during times of high entertainment. Previously he seemed to consider use of the toilet for the petty, the small-minded, the uncreative. When in the midst of innovating and designing the world's coolest Lego Transformer Scooter Ship, why use the indoor plumbing when you could just ... go in your underwear? Heck. After 6 months of concerted effort, he is definitely making some progress. He does best when he's with us or on the weekends, and is not caught up in play with his friends. He does less well when he's in engaged in lightsaber battles. This summer he has a very very large carrot and a smaller but noticeable stick. The carrot is a Count Dooku limited edition Lego spaceship. The stick is the loss of marbles for each infraction, and a lengthening of the required "dry" time period to earn the spaceship.

Reflections

My son .... needs to feel success, ownership, responsibility. Also probably needs some coaching in how to stand up for himself more. I keep reminding myself he's a young fellow, and not to be either too hard on him or expect too much, too soon. I am proud that he did what he could at his first soccer game today, especially in the 90+ degree heat.

I would like to spend time with him each day doing something he enjoys AND needs to learn. The list is bewilderingly long. Guitar? Soccer? Throwing and catching balls? Reading? Writing? Spelling? Where am I going to find that time?

Also starting to think about our eventual home/work/school location, which may be in Palo Alto or thereabouts, for sheer convenience. By this time next year, I suppose we will want to have made the move. Am freaked out by the idea of leaving the only family home we've ever had; the place we brought both of our kids home to from the hospital; from our neighborhood and the people we know. Am equally dismayed at the idea of a 17 mile commute north to SF for work/preschool, and a 20 mile commute south to PA for elementary school events.

Lastly, have even begun to reconsider the childcare situation. Managing another employee is stressful, particularly on top of responding to the doctors, the dentists, the coaches, the teachers, the other parents, all of whom generate requests and inquiries because of our kids' lives. I'd be a lot happier if I could just ... not have this extra person to manage. I am ashamed to say it because I realize how totally ungrateful I am being. I'm lucky to be able to afford the help financially; I guess I'm seeing that I might be less able to afford the other requirements, such as the patience and energy to manage and direct this person.

It's a time for looking at alternatives and different paths.

I Need A Wife

Cliched but true. I need a wife to get projects initiated, managed and completed properly. For what, you ask? For this:

• interviewing, meeting, selecting and scheduling a reading tutor for my son
• measuring, choosing, ordering, removing and installing the last 5 windows in our house -- replacing the original 1920 ones
• getting the backyard bricks power-washed
• repainting the backyard metal gates
• restoring the soil in the raised beds and covering everything with a new layer of cedar chips
• fixing the miserable landscaping in the front garden
• sorting through the books and toys that the kids have outgrown and donating them
• organizing the books and toys that remain, in a fashion that makes much better use of the existing space in their bedroom
• developing more varied, interesting and tasty lunch menus for both children, yet factoring in the complete lack of refrigeration available
• finding an end table for the couch in the master bedroom
• finding an appropriate chandelier for the dining room -- the one we have now looks like it's a castoff from the Spanish Inquisition

I could go on. So that's why I need a wife.

A Lot Happened In Q1 2009

A lot has happened in a short period of time.

In January, we had to let our nanny go. It was a drama-filled, tense situation for all parties involved and I would not wish it on anyone, ever. We went skiing for the first time this season.

February we found a new nanny. We like her greatly and hope she'll be with us for the long haul. My son also turned 6! We went skiing twice more.

In March, we got the terrific news that he was accepted to the school of our choice, which fortunately runs through 8th grade. Huge sigh of relief! We went skiing a final 2 times, and the kids are extremely enthused about next season. My husband and I bought new equipment -- skis, custom boots -- so we could ski using materials developed within the last year instead of the last 20 years... We also learned that my daughter would be going to our first choice pre-K campus at her excellent preschool in SF. Another hurdle neatly cleared.

In April, we realized we managed to forget to make an appointment with our accountant to do our taxes. So my husband ran the numbers and made an estimate for the IRS. We went to Disneyland for the first time ever, and enjoyed it greatly. I think staying in the park on the concierge floor made the difference between "okay" and "we'll be back". Between the Jedi Training Academy, Small World and the various rollercoaster rides; the hot chocolate and pastries; the fireworks and storytimes; and the water slide, it was hard to beat. One clear decision for next time - fly, don't drive.

Wait For It . . .

I don't know why I'm in such a rush for the kids to get older. When I stop to think, I realize it's an insane desire. For example, my kids are non-stop talkers. From the moment they wake until their heads hit the pillow, it's talk talk talk ask ask ask mom mom mom look look! My friends who have pre-teens and teens remind me that soon, all such communication will cease. For what seems like forever. And I won't be able to get any information out of them whatsoever, no matter how critical, on any topic.

So today, I am officially turning over a new leaf. I am grateful for my kids' chatter and willingness to share every little thought they've ever had.

He's Tall But Gentle; She's Short But Feisty

I'm sure I will forget these things soon, and was lousy about documenting them in the kids' baby books, so here goes a try.

My son is 2 months shy of turning 6 years old. He is already 4 feet tall and wears size 7 clothes. I'm not sure what he weighs but it's something around 45 lbs. He's very lanky -- on some days, you'd say gangly and skinny. I take his trousers in at the waist -- one inch on each side, and he's still having to pull his pants up constantly since he has no tush or hips!

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old and is 3 feet tall. She wears 3T clothes but has size 10 feet, like a puppy about to grow a lot. I don't know what she weighs either -- maybe 33 lbs or so. She is also lanky. Same thing with the trousers.

While I certainly didn't realize I would be sewing constantly just to get their clothes to fit (and they wear "slim" fit clothes exclusively), I'm utterly relieved that they won't be candidates for pediatric diabetes any time soon.

Dad, Come See My Poop!

Over the last 6 months, we've been in the practice of insisting our kids try for a BM daily. (This is to counteract the constipation and pain that ensues when one holds it in.) To make it less onerous / more appealing, we added the possibility of earning 3 marbles if one has a BM without being reminded, and 2 marbles if one has a BM but only at Mom or Dad's prompting. The kids can trade in marbles at a rate of 25 cents each. It's working well. The only catch is that we have had to use visual verification of BM production, because on occasion we have had doubted our kids' veracity. So we are called to the bathroom to "come see my poop". Normally this is a non-issue; except when Mom or Dad is trying to work, eat, sleep or cook a meal.

Net net: it's still worth it because we used to have weekly constipation tantrums, tears, drama and of course, parental panic that our son's biologic system was going to be completely out of whack.